Choosing To Follow

Raising Black kids - and my white umbrella

2010-11-30T15:53:00.003-07:00

Oy. This interaction has been stewing in my thoughts for several weeks....

So I'm at the school waiting to pick up the kids and per usual a group of moms are chatting together. Usually it is just the usual mom stuff - how much homework the teacher is assigning, who's kiddos is sick with what and so on. But not this day. It starts out innocently enough a mom talking about going to walmart just before pick up.... but then she starts in on a rant about black welfare moms with like 10 kids. Ugh. My neighbor quickly tries to change the subject - but this lady was not going to be derailed. Nevermind that in order to qualify for WIC (which is what I assume she was going on about - cause food stamps are nearly impossible to qualify for these days) you really really have to have a significant need... and really does anyone want kids to go hungry? and why do we pay taxes except to help those who are in a hard spot - because but for the grace of God.... 2 things were irritating me. One - 10 kids. Ummm what is wrong with someone having 10 kids? and frankly I doubt it was 10 - probably 4 or maybe even just 3 or the person in question was simply babysitting a number of kids. Why did she assume that they were all hers? just because the other woman was black? really? As for WIC - frankly I am greatfull that there are programs like WIC and free lunch so that kids don't go hungry. Any way in the next breath she looks at me and it dawns on her that I have 8 kids, and a bunch of them are black. And she is mortified. And I am furious. Furious that in this day and age someone could continue to make such racist assumptions. And furious that I wasn't better prepared with a reasonable response. Ugh Ugh Ugh.

Then just this weekend I was running out to the store and in our neighborhood a young man was pulled over... ( I am assuming for speeding - which is a huge problem right where the traffic stop was) and the cop had the teen (probably17 , probably a friend of my sons) sitting on the curb while he went through the car and the kids backpack. And it all jumped out at me because the young man was black. I wonder had it been my white teen boys how they would have been treated....

And the thing is that when my black kids are with me they get coverage from my white umbrella. I'm white and upper middle class white too - when we are out with the kids people buy us icecream and thank us for raising them.... Ugh. makes. me. nuts. Well the kids really enjoy the ice cream... and frankly it isn't just white people, it's blacks too, and that I really don't know what to do with. And those kind of racial assumptions are why my black kids don't go out to the store or McDs looking like they just rolled out of bed (and why I don't either). Society is stacked against them enough as it is. I have seen the suspicions looks my 9 year old black son gets when he is on the toy aisle alone.... and the smiles and indulgent looks he gets when he is with me. And I have been in Walmart with 7 or 10 kids and no one looks twice but if I were black they sure would and that is wrong.

So what to do - we live in a fairly accepting community but ingrained racism is everywhere - and as my kids get older we will be bumping up against it more and more. And as they get older my umbrella won't reach over them... and that scares me to death.

A Miracle

2010-09-12T11:55:00.003-06:00

I realize that it has been forever since I updated this poor blog - life with 7 kids at home and the start of school has been over the top busy... really I had no idea how easy life with just 5 kids was!

So we have had a total miracle here - if you had been to my house in June or July you would have committed to much prayer on our behalf as things were not going very smoothly with Alem (who we have renamed Sarah - but that is a different story). She was having meltdown after meltdown and the level of rage she was exhibiting was only increasing. There would be periods of calm but they were all marked by extreme manipulation on her part trying to get her way or a reward or what ever. I can honestly tell you that it was beyond anything we had ever expected to deal with - we didn't go into this with our eyes closed - but what we were living with was beyond hard. Therapy was hard - actually harder than hard some days... when she would rage at therapy there were times I despaired of actually being able to get her home, as in would she really get in the car or not?? Finally in the end of July we simply had to decide that parenting her wasn't going to steal the joy we had in our other children - we weren't going to let her behaviors rob the others of a fun time with Mom or Dad. And I had to let go of the idea that suddenly she would be healed that her behaviors would be fixed that her heart would be whole. The trauma from her earlier life was totally driving her behavior and apart from God acting on her behalf we were doing all we could for her... and the other kids needed attention too.

And then the miracle happened... one day she just stopped fighting us - stopped fighting the feelings of love and acceptance and started to press into them, seeking love and acceptance, talking about her big feelings instead of trying to punish us all for them. Almost over night she settled down to normal - just a normal little girl with normal little girl hurts and upsets, and some really big ones too - but now she trusts us with them and by doing so we are able to help her to be more regulated in her feelings and understanding. There is alot of pain, abuse and betrayal in her story... surviving it is a miracle in and of itself - but reaching the point of emotional healing - well no one but the Father could have orchestrated it. These last 8 months with her have been harder than I could ever have imagined - but what we see in her today is more beautiful that we could have imagined... truly He gives beauty for ashes and strength for fear.

I know that God moved on her behalf and I praise Him for it... but the fertile ground of prayer and all the work we did with her paved the way. I will try and write about some of the strategies that worked for us... but if you are in the middle of the battle and want advice or someone to pray for you - leave a comment (I won't post it - but would be happy to chat about it).

For those of you who have stormed heaven on our behalf - thank you, from the bottom of my heart thank you... I cannot wait to meet some of you in heaven (if not before) so that you can see what your prayers have wrought on our behalf - a beautiful, and healed, daugter of the King.

Fish

2010-07-24T20:17:00.005-06:00

I swear my kids have grown gills this summer! The ET kiddos all can swim now and swim quite well too! Becca came home swimming but this is the first year we have allowed her not to use floaties - seriosly folks she is only 2 inches over 3 feet tall and the shallow end of our pool is 3 feet! Alem and Estifanos had never been in the water before coming home but boy do they love it now!The kids buried Luke in the sand at the volleyball court - very little volleyball ever gets played but it is the best sand box in town.

The hard stuff

2010-07-24T20:09:00.002-06:00

So this past week we had a visit to Children's to see our infections disease docs. The kids are doing pretty well on their meds - which is great and hopefully, pending results from the lab we won't be going back until Oct!! Which would be awesome.

Our amazing nurse practitioner there is an adoptive mom of 2 ET kiddos and really knows what is what when it comes to adoption, and the hard stuff... I filter some of what I say to the team we see because Alem is in the room with us, but I try to be as real as possible. This week the social work team asked if I'd speak to them in the hall - I sure did. And I know I gave them a fright as I shared more than usual about our challenges, but seriously how in the world are they going to help people if everyone sugar coats things? Any way at a social event later in the week our NP thanked me for being real with them... I about cracked up - because seriously how can I be totally real when I am talking to 2 young gals who have -0- kids between them? LOL - and one gal is just out of school. Anyway I guess I gave them things to talk about at the team meeting - and since more and more folks are adopting older kiddos - well maybe they will be able to put together some things that actually help.

As for our control issues - ugh. Really there is no other word for how the last weeks have been - if you pray we sure could use it.

Life is...

2010-07-21T07:31:00.002-06:00

CRAZY BUSY! I never really imagined that I would never have a moment to myself this summer - but boy oh boy I sure don't! I have tons on my mind that I'd love to get out... but I think it is going to have to wait a bit longer.... hope my brain doesn't explode.

Counseling part 2

2010-07-09T15:27:00.002-06:00

Weeelllll - it has been several weeks and 2 more counseling visits since I last posted. All I can say is that if you are thinking counseling might be helpful - then go and commit to going for at least a month. These last 2 visits have really opened my eyes and been totally enlightening to some of the things going on with miss Alem. In fact both times our counselor has been able to get to the heart of our struggles in just a few minutes and give me pratical tips for overcoming and moving forward. The really hard part is that she has some seriously deep control issues and it is going to be challenging to overcome them. The other thing that was hard to hear is that she really isn't able to relate to people - she simply doesn't have the skills. Now those are things she can learn, and it explains why she can't really play with other kids yet - but it was hard for her to hear that she wasn't the same as the other kids in the neighborhood - but it motivates her to change and that is good.

Hang on for what promises to be a bumpy ride - we currently have to take all control away from her... ugh, not totally sure what that is going to look like, but I know she isn't going to like it....

Counseling

2010-06-20T21:32:00.002-06:00

Well we've had several sessions with the counselor now... and the jury is still out as far as I am concerned. To be clear we are not going for attachment therapy - we really do see many positive attachment behaviors from her and while there is a long way to go neither the counselor or I think there is too much he can do to make it happen - time and prayer are what is needed. So then why are we at counseling you might wonder - Alem has some very serious fears... she is beginning to conquer them (and no the counseling has nothing to do with that, we have been working hard) but we felt that we needed some guidance in making the best choices to help her get over her fears and begin to trust that her new family was safe. This seems to be hard for her, in part because as some point in her past she was not safe. Older child adoption comes with many unknows - and trauma history is a big unknown. We have no idea what happened in her past or how it affected her, and there is no way to ask her... not because she doesn't have the language for it - she does (well at least for some of it), but because if she isn't ready to talk about it then she isn't ready. Either we aren't "safe" yet or she is choosing not to remember. It doesn't really matter.... except that we need to help her to manage her fear and conquer it so that she isn't held back in any way. So she does play therapy - she plays and interacts with the counselor and he makes observations and suggestions to me. We are going to give it a few more weeks and see if something good shakes loose.

The thing is that if she were the way she is now when she was home a month I wouldn't even think about counseling... but at a month home we were so falling apart... we have done alot of hard work to get her here and if there is any help or suggestions someone who sees traumatized kids on a regular basis can offer then we are going to take them up on it. Mostly he says that we are doing a good job - doing all the right things to help her - and that it takes time, we are expecting too much too soon. (LOL to that as seriously if he were living with her he'd be pushing her hard to get better and move foward too.)

We are believing that God will heal her heart and in the fullness of time she will learn to trust, to love with out fear, and to rest peacefully in Him.

When he calles me momma....

2010-06-20T21:29:00.002-06:00

my heart melts.

From the beginning Estifanos has called me mom - but just mom at first. It was simply my name - not who I am to him. Little by little you can see his heart softening towards me... at first when I'd take the time to figure out why he was upset and set things to right, then when I'd make some dish for a meal that he really likes... little by little and he'd call me momma instead of mom. Now a days it is momma more often than mom... sweet.

2010-06-09T10:04:00.002-06:00

" I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living" Psalm 27:13

Yesterday was a tough one - some days are harder than others, but that wasn't her it was me. I was worn thin and missing my sweetie (who is traveling this week) and I had scheduled a play date for her - which was a first ... and it had it's challenges. And this week I have been reminded by my big kids that while she is doing better there is still quite a way to go and we need to not settle for better - but strive for best.

Envy

2010-06-08T17:10:00.002-06:00

So today I was able to rejoice with a wonderful blog friend about the growing attachment with her son. She had been running the race and is on the wonderful downhill side. And while I am so very excited for her - it feels like the uphill battle we face is unending. sigh. I love Alem and am totally commited to her.. but it is so very very hard. She is difficult on her best days and horrid on her worst and often I wonder if things will ever ever change? Will she ever stop demanding all the attention be focused on her? will she ever stop trying to control my every waking moment? will she ever just relax and not worry about whether or not she has more than everyone else? will she ever stop acting like each bump is the end of the world? and on and on and on.....

I know that she has made tremendous progress she no longer keeps herself (and me) up all night. She no longer has raging fits every day, not even every week. She no longer tries to run away. She finally is eating healthy meals. She is nice to her brothers and sisters. She gets ready for school and church without a fuss.

Of course then just now she refused to come to the dinner table then flipped out because we prayed and began eating with out her - really?! I simply took her aside and said you may want to control when we all eat but it isn't going to work... we pray and eat when mom and dad sit down not when you finish playing. Ugh.

I lost my mind

2010-06-08T14:23:00.003-06:00

I lost my mind when I thought letting Alem and Emma have a friend over for the afternoon might let me get some paperwork done.... instead we have been to the park, done crafts and painted nails. Fun for them - but my todo list is getting longer....

Exhaustion

2010-06-07T18:01:00.002-06:00

Well I have to admit that each and every night I am beat to the ground tired. I'm not at all sure if it is just getting used to managing such a large family or still adjusting to the new kids or what but I am so ready to get some energy back. I realized that somewhere along the way of the last few months I quit eating all the veggies that I used to eat - salads especially. I think I gave them up in favor of quicker meals where I ate what they ate - but I think it might be affecting my energy level too - so this week I am back to tons of veggies and way less of what the kids are eating. That is actually going to be hard to manage with Alem who prefers to eat whatever I eat, and like most kids she isn't the biggest fan of veggies... but I imagine eventually her hunger will win out. I am also going to get more sleep each night. Sadly right now 8 hours just isn't enough - which kinda cracks me up as I used to exist on less than 6 without any problems - but I am not at my best any longer without a really good nights sleep!! And to a certian extent I have to admit that parenting the new kids is still stressful. Estifanos is just now beginning to trust us with his hurts - both real and emotional and always being on the lookout for that is hard work. And Alem continues to be challenging. She would really like to run the show. LOL. and that so isn't going to happen, although to a certian extent she has been driving things, and we are cracking down on that pretty hard. She also begins therapy this week - stay tuned for a report on that.

So if anyone has a magic energy pill they would like to share - then I might be able to get caught up with the house and the paperwork... otherwise all that is going to have to wait.

my first ....

2010-06-01T20:57:00.001-06:00

"I love you" that is! So last night was the very first time Estifanos said I love you to me - so very sweet.

twinning

2010-06-01T20:50:00.002-06:00

On paper it seems as if we created artifical triplets - our bio girl Emma is 8 (9 in Sept), Estifanos is 8 (9 in Aug) and Alem is 7 (8 in Aug). Currently the reality is that we created 2 sets of twins - Emma and Estifanos are very close in age - and in personality which is nice. It also works well because they are boy/girl and thus into different things so at least so far we haven't had any difficulities there.

The second set of "twins" would be Becca (who on paper is 4 - but most likely is at least 6 months older) and Alem (who on paper is 7 but emotionally is 4 or 5). This presents many challenges as it is hard to explain to Becca why Alem doesn't treat her the same way as Emma and Estifanos do. Or how to handle the envitable fights over Barbie and Polly Pocket since neither of them is really capapble of negotiation yet... I am hopefuly that Alem will emotionally mature faster than Becca and this set of twins will naturally go away...

I can understand why social workers are hesitant to allow families to artifically twin - it is hard work to make sure that no one gets lost in the shuffle.

Updates

2010-05-24T20:46:00.002-06:00

Wow - time sure flies by!!!

Truthfully though it is alittle hard to know how much to put out there on a public blog. I keep the blog so that I will have some record of life during this crazy time... and I know that I learn so much from others both stuggles and victories. Anyway - that is why lately I have had alot of posts in my mind that never made it to the computer!

Estifanos is doing amazingly well. Poor kid has been home less than 2 months and has had the mumps and then a ton of dental work done (crowns, extractions, and cavities) and started school. All this on top of a big new family and amazingly he is cheerful, obedient and happy. Some kids are very resilent and he is one of them. His adoption has been amazingly simple in terms of adjustment. We have to be very careful to draw him out when he get quiet, because that usually means that something has happened that upset him. But he is learning to come to me when he is upset and that means the world to me. He is just all around a great kid.

Alem - well she gives us a run for our money. I was joking with another mom that I know we are the family God meant for her - in part because I know my Fathers voice and I heard it clearly about her - but also because we are experienced parents, and experienced adoptive parents with lots of tools in our parenting tool box and a really strong marriage. Because parenting her some days is not a picnic. Some nights find me sitting on the top of the stairs crying because I am not sure how in the world I am going to face another day with her drama. But then there are other times when I know that we have made so much progress. One night this month she was in trouble for something - and having a big fit about it - and I thought Oh Lord not again, I can't do this again (2 nights in a row of drama do not make for a happy mom). So I am sitting on the stairs crying and she comes out and gives me a note that says I love you but it feels like you don't love me. Well holy cow - that is huge. Huge that she was able to admit that she loved me even when she was mad (and boy was she mad) and that she could identify that she didn't think I loved her. We talked about it and she was able to see all the ways that I showed her I loved her each day - which of course is alot, she just is frustrated that she doesn't get her way. Then tonight - she was in the hot tub with some of the other kids, and yelling for me - which isn't allowed. I was ignoring her. Dad went out to tell her it was time to come in and she refused to get out. Really?? So I had to go out - and gave her another chance, actually 2 more chances and the pulled her out and deposited her inside. I'm not at all sure what she thought would happen - that we would stand there and wait for her? who knows, but she was almighty ticked off about it. Yelling and crying all the way up to her room. A few minutes later I go up to talk to her - she starts threatening not to go to school in the morn and I thought - ummm don't go there honey cause I will drop you at school in your jammies and leave. But I went through the process of naming her emotions for her - which is really important because sometimes she is so mad she doesn't know what she feels. Finally she says this isn't easy - being a family girl. Yeah no kidding I said back - it sure isn't easy to be your mom. LOL totally shocked her. It isn't easy - it doesn't mean that I don't love her - I do and I explained all that to her again. but she wants to be in control of me - and that isn't ever going to happen - which I explained, again. And then she apologized and we moved on. Now tomorrow when she doesn't get the hot tub - it will be a different fight, but oh well.

3 days left of school - the kids are all excited about it. I'm just happy the weather is warm and the sun is shining so hopefully we will be able to use the pool this summer.

sleep begets sleep

2010-05-01T20:07:00.002-06:00

Sleep issues are always huge on the adoption radar. When we brought Becca home we struggled for many months with sleep - as in she wasn't getting enough of it and neither were we. One of the adoption groups I keep up with has had many discussions of sleep and how to get more of it for you baby and toddler. I tried those time tested techniques and lo and behold - they worked. It turns out that Miss B needs to go to bed around 630pm and then she happily sleeps until about 7am. Putting her to bed at 7pm did not have the cooresponding effect of causeing her to sleep until 730 but rather woke her earlier at 630 and then put her an hour behind for the day. Happily a few months home we had that problem worked out.

No one ever mentioned the same cause and effect for older children. HOWEVER LET ME THE FIRST TO SAY even with older children SLEEP BEGETS SLEEP. Alemtsehay has had major sleep issues from the beginning. They have gotten better since she moved into the floor of our room - but she was still awake for long periods each and every night (though finally not waking us up - just laying there fretting.... which isn't really a solution). So on Wed - after she didn't hardly sleep a wink Tues at 830 I said - that is it - time for sleep. Previously we had been allowing her to choose when to settle for sleep - bedtime was 8 (and still is) but she could look at books or play quietly with dolls until she was tired, usually around 9 or so. And then she would sleep for about 2 hours and wake up frightened or grumpy for hours each night. So Wed night time for sleep at 830 - and lo and behold she went right to sleep - slept all night and woke around 730 happily.... hmmmm. Well I'm not an idiot so again on Thurs we try again and the same result and again and again. Thank goodness she is finally sleeping without fear and sleeping well - it makes a huge difference in her and in me.

Our neighborhood

2010-04-28T20:48:00.002-06:00

Our neighborhood is really an amazing place... It struck me tonight just how amazingly lucky we are to be living here. Our street is full of kids and families and all of them have been so amazingly suppportive and accepting of our new kids. We are the only adoptive family on the street, and the only family with sooooo many kids - but it is no big deal to anyone - and boy oh boy does it help the newbies to feel welcome.

Today I took our 5 youngest to the park down the street - and along the way picked up 6 more kids so by the time we arrived there were 11 kids on bikes racing around the park - there must be something magic about that number of kids - does it go out on some secret kid radar?? with in about 10 minutes there were 10 more kids - the perfect number of kids for games of tag and bike races and an all around good time. An hour later when I gathered the 11 I needed to take home... the whole park emptied.. kinda funny. Then tonight after dinner the kids went out to play for a few minutes and suddenly everyone is out running up and down the street playing hide and seek in everyone's yard and having a great time - much like I remember playing as a kid. And not at all like any other neighborhood we have recently lived in. It just brought such joy to my heart to see how easily Alem and Estifanos fit in.

Today

2010-04-22T19:39:00.002-06:00

Today something amazing happened....

Alem and Estifanos were home this afternoon due to various appts. They were playing in the front yard and garage with Becca. They both wanted to play with the same ball - and Estifanos got it first... Alem was being quite difficult with him about it. I was just watching to see what would happen - now as you might imagine often the kids give in to her just to get some peace - eventhough I encourage them not to... so after a few moments of "discussion" Estifanos looks at me and says "Mom, my turn". And it was - but the really cool part is that he trusted I would intervene on his behalf. The other cool part is that I was able to take Alem to the side and talk to her about her behavior and how she was being mean to Estifanos... she agreed and said she'd try to be nicer - which is huge - both her agreeing to be nicer and admiting that she was being mean, and there was no fit involved - not even a scream or tear.... progress.

Attachment

2010-04-21T21:11:00.002-06:00

Attachment is a process - a life long process. With bio kids it usually flows pretty naturally a tiny baby cries and mom and dad jump to meet the need expressed - the baby learns to trust that it is loved and cared for and attaches to mom and dad.

When you adopt older children the dance of attachment is very different. No bottles, no diapers, no rocking to sleep.... so the question becomes how do you know that they are attaching? that you are attaching? (cause both are important).

I don't know what it looks like for everyone - but for us we know that she is attaching because she leaves us notes about how much she loves us and thanks us for giving her a family (oh boy she is so older than 7), her hugs have lost the desperate quality and have become gentle snuggles (for the most part), she is beginning to care what is happening with her sisters and even steps aside when the littlest one needs something - trusting that her need will be met after the 3 year old, he melts more into hugs - it isn't like hugging a stick figure (though we do need to get some meat on his bones quick), he looks for ways to help mom - opening and holding the door, carrying in the groceries grinning the whole time, and finally feeling like he doesn't have to eat something he doesn't like - trusting that we will provide something else, that he won't have to go hungry.

Each day we dance closer to them - sometimes it is an easy waltz, sometimes a complicted tango - but each day a dance.

How do I know I am attaching to them? Simple things mostly - thinking of them brings a smile to my face, when I'm shopping for groceries I look for things I know they will like and be happy to have in the house, bed time isn't wiping me out any more (and seriously that is a biggie - at first I dreaded bed time it was so intense so exhausting so overwhelming that I wanted to go to bed myself rather than cope with it) when they wake early and come down during my alone time I am able to just grin and start the day rather than have my whole day ruined.

And so we dance - sometimes stepping on toes, sometimes closer, sometimes farther apart - but the dance looks better each and every day, and honestly if feels more natural each and every day.

Hope

2010-04-19T20:24:00.002-06:00

I almost hesitate to put this into print .... but we have had some amazing breakthroughs lately.

Estifanos continues to settle in and do well - his ESL evaluation - his reading ability almost disqualified him from services. LOL what a riot. The boy can read like you would not believe, but the understanding isn't there yet - happily they realized that on thier own. He has tremendous phonics skills and can read anything in front of him but doesn't alway understand it. However - once his understanding kicks in I think he may need to jump up a grade. He can do all the math that the second grade is doing without any struggle whatso ever.... really kind of surprising.

Alemtsehay - has been really settled this last week+ She has been sleeping on the floor in our room - which I wish we had done from the beginning. We didn't because she seemed so happy to sleep in a room with her sister... but it wasn't helping her to be more secure. Once we told her she would have to sleep with us until she was ready to sleep all night in her own bed - well we thought she'd flip, but instead she was totally excited about it. Now tonight she announced she'd sleep in her own room again - we'll see. She is taking her meds without a fight - I told her she needed to take them to stay healthy and grow up to be a teacher (the current career of choice) and so now she does. Of course it helps that Estifanos and Daddy take meds every morning too. And really big deal I was able to go out shopping on Sat with out her having a total and complete meltdown at being left at home with Dad and the rest of the kids. As soon as I told her I was going out she wanted to come and when I told her no - it was apparent that her stress level was ramping up. And it doesn't go up slowly it goes from 1 to meltdown in 10 seconds flat - but we were able to stop it simply by getting down to her level and saying Mommy always comes back and Daddy will do a good job of taking care of you until I do. (and making her repeat it) Then on sunday we were able to go to Walmart - the kids needed new bikes - so yes she was getting something, but even when she has gotten something before the store has provoked meltdowns, but she did amazing this time. And at the Drs on Thursday she was able to pick from the prize box - and she choose a "magic wand" like in Cinderella - and the first thing she thought of was the Becca would want one too (not something she could get 2 of), so she instead gave Becca a pink one that she already had at home... amazing. And Daddy had to travel this week - and while she was not happy about it she didn't fall apart and isn't punishing me for it either. The best thing about all this progress is that it has been a gift in stress reduction for me. I am not so foolish to think that everything is solved - because it isn't... but we are moving foward. There will be times of moving backward too - but today I will take the gift I have been given, a glimpse of what healing looks like for this precious child - what hope and a future are. Praise God.

the TRUTH

2010-04-15T15:44:00.002-06:00

The truth about adoption is that it will probably totally rock your world. You think you know what you are getting into - but you don't.

We have been adoptive parents for 14 years - our first adoption was a 16 year old girl when we had 2 baby boys and were only 27 and 28 years old ourselves. If you read any adoption literature you know we were set up for failure - funny thing though - when you are set up for failure sometimes you still succeed. It isn't that we were amazing people or that we didn't make mistakes (oh boy did we) but we did the best we could to love her and help her to become all that God had in store for her. And it was an amazing adventure, it really couldn't have gone any easier (well except for the car accidents - ask me about it if you are considering a 16 year old).

Our next adoption was Miss B - a toddler/preschooler. Probably the adoption that most turned my world upside down for alot of reasons. But she is an amazing little girl who really couldn't be better attached or better settled in our family. Have the recent additions affected her - of course, anytime you add a child to the family everyone has to settle down to the new situation, but she has handled it pretty well.

Now the 2 newest ones - Estifanos is probably the easiest child in the world - so sweet and anxious to fit in. He is one smart cookie as well and a total joy to parent. Alemtsehay is the most challenging child we have adopted - not however the most challenging child we have parented... Just because a child is born to you doesn't mean they will be easy. We have a couple of boys that at various times have really put us through our paces.... Anyway - is little miss hard - yep she is. BUT and here is the big thing - she is learning to have hope for her future, she is learning to accomidate alot of family all at once, she is learning to trust and love - things that haven't worked out so well for her in the past. Is it going to take time and skill to help her to heal and attach yep it is - but she wants it, and she wants it pretty badly so I think the future for her is really bright. (In case anyone is wondering - she loves me pretty desperately, but aside from her sisters she could take or leave the rest of the family - the day is on the horizon when she will love us all until then we celebrate every step foward)

The truth is that adoption is hard work - it is challenging and most of the time it doesn't come naturally (at least to me). But I am always reminded what love the Father has for us that despite everyting wrong with us he chose to adopt us - to call us coheirs with Christ, I will always be humbled by that - would that I never get over being adopted by God and that I would never lose His eyes for my kids, adopted or not.

colds, puking, mumps? and breakthrough - oh my

2010-04-12T09:56:00.002-06:00

What a weekend we had. Estifanos has had a cold since arriving home - but he woke up Sat. with what certianly looked like mumps... (happily it isn't - but boy oh boy did we give the Dr. at the urgent care a fright). He has a raging infection in his glands at the back of his mouth and it looks like mumps - and it hurts and he is running a fever, and occasionally puking... like this morn - ugh. However - the great thing is that he is turning to us for care - friday night when he started to feel bad he let me rub his back while he fell asleep and didn't even try to hide that he was crying... it must be so hard to be in a new family in a new house in a new country and then feel horrible, and not know what these new parents are going to do about it. The funny things is that at lunch on Thurs Scott and I were talking about how easy a kiddo he is - so sweet and funny and quick to listen, and how since he was so much older and self possessed that it might really take and event to get him to really begin to rely on us - an event like being sick. LOL. Then - bam - he is sick and sure enough it is turning out like we expected. (Not that we wanted him to be sick mind you).

I think we are also on the verge of some breakthrough with little miss too - almost hate to put that out there.... but through a variety of reading this weekend and some events on Sat... we will just have to see.

ages and adoption

2010-04-06T20:35:00.002-06:00

Funny thing - all of our ET kids have ages that are off by at least a year - maybe even two. When we got Becca's referral she was sooo tiny - reportedly 2 years old and 15 lbs (scary). But the reality is that she is at least a year if not 18 months older than that. So while her birth certificate has her turning 4 in just a little bit I am really sure she is turning 5 - and is still very tiny, even for a 4 year old. How do we know - well there are so many developmental tasks that she has totally mastered - that she shouldn't even have begun yet - for example she has taught herself to tie a bow. By itself really no big deal - but she is also beginning to read and is easily the smartest kid in her preschool class - this for a child who never heard english or saw a book until 18 months ago. Even when first home and we had her developmentally tested she scored right at her age, and advanced in some areas.... really amazing for a malnourished toddler. Does it matter? not to us of course we love her regardless - it is just something that we will have to remember when the teen age drama stuff flares up early! LOL!

Estifanos is a different story - he really seems to think he is 8 - Ethiopians really don't keep track of age the way we do in the west so that isn't surprising. But upon meeting with his uncle and recounting a timeline of events all the adults were in agreement that he is about 10 years old. Gulp, it isn't that we didn't know it was a possiblility - we sure did, but a number of folks who had met him over the years and spent time with him felt like 8 was really quite close to correct for him and maybe even a bit younger - i think because there is really something very gentle about him. Right now he is barely the size of an American 6/7 year old - once he hits a grown spurt I imagine he will shoot up - but since ETiopians tend to be smaller he will probably fit right in with his peers until they outdistance him. Again we will just have to keep it in mind when the teen years strike - but he really seems to think he is 8 so no real problem.

Alemtsehay is a way different story. Reportedly she is 7 - when we were considering her file another mom emailed me and said no way is she 6 (what she was at the time) maybe more like 8. Well I am pretty sure she is at least 9 if not 10 and I am very sure she has been told to lie about it.Now her everyday behavior is much closer to 5 years old... but eventually she will catch up and settle in and then big dilema for her will she be able to trust us with the truth... and how hard it is for a child to be told to lie. I have no way of knowing who told her to lie - the aunt, the social worker or the nuns.... I suppose when she is ready to tell us then we will find out.

But my frustration with a system that doesn't seek the truth and is content to believe the lie ... well it is hard to handle - hard to even know what to do about it. We didn't adopt looking for healthy babies - we wanted to provide a home a family for kids who really needed one, and we are blessed by all of our kids - it is just that in the long run it would be better for them if they knew the truth - if they could really own the details of thier lives instead of us having to guess about them.

Settling in - older child adoption

2010-04-06T08:47:00.002-06:00

Estifanos has been home over a week now and we are seeing his personality emerge a bit more each day. He is still pretty quiet - but does have a sense of humor that fits right in with the other kids. He is such an easy going guy, and what a gift that is. Tomorrow he starts school which should be really great for him as he is going to need a bit of ESL support - his english is pretty good - but he does the smile and nod quite a bit. He loves and I mean loves riding his bike - and he is very very good at it. He also really loves hanging out with the big brothers - it is so sweet to see.

People always say there are reasons for various delays in adoptions - I wasn't sure we would ever understand why they came home seperately - but of course now we do. It is because girlfriend is waaay the heck harder than he is. If they had come home together I am not sure how well we could have coped. I hesitate to say that Alemtsehay is hard - when I know lots of folks have had it way harder. When you contemplate older child adoption it is very important to read and know all the challenges you could face and the fact that your child could have all the challenges. She doesn't have all of them - she has a few meltdowns each week - which are exhausting but understandable. The harder part about her is the needy-ness. Now if you haven't adopted a challenging child you have no idea what I am talking about - but there is a needy part of her that theatens to overwhelm us at times. She knows what love is and wants it but often becomes very frantic over it. Her biggest drama revolves around feeling like I love the other kids more than her. Tell her no to something and boom - there you are I love the other kids more. Before she had her dental work taken care of every time she was upset about not getting enough - she would cause her mouth to bleed so that we would have to drop everything and take care of her. Ummm yeah - it worked at first until we got wise to her and then we would just give her some papertowels to take care of it and walk away - but even that was a victory for her. Sigh. She also used to be anemic to her nose would bleed fairly easily when she was upset - but then we figured out she was deliberately making it bleed to get attention.... sigh. Yeah cleaning all that up wasn't fun. Once her dental work was done and the anemia cleared she didn't have the usual things to resort to - both of which probably really provoked reactions from the orphanage staff. So then she resorted to delibertly vomiting - LOL by this time I was totally wise to her tricks. One time she did it and then had to clean it up - which totally did her in. The other time she did it was over taking her meds - which have to be taken every 12 hours. Sooo she doesn't want to take the pills and is trying to find out what I will do about it - she takes them and then makes herself throw them up....sooooo then I make her take them again (same pills mind you). I know it seems tough - but this is not an area we can have any give in... needless to say we haven't had a single problem with meds since, or throwing up for that matter. She is getting better - and I have to remind myself that it has only been 2 months...hopefully the next 2 months see even more improvement.

Adoption is....

2010-04-06T08:46:00.002-06:00

Adoption is permanent - it is the same as giving birth to the kids - just at a bigger size. My adopted kids are no different than my bio kids. I really wish certian folks we are related to could figure that out. UGH!!!!!!

under one roof

2010-03-27T22:46:00.002-06:00

As I sit here and contemplate how much different my life is than I ever imagined it to be - I am grateful to be able to say that my whole family is under one roof tonight. (Well except Kathleen - but since she is married and has her own roof now that is to be expected) The guys made it home on time and we had quite the reunion at the airport. Estifanos is soooo quiet - though I imagine that will change in a few days, and he is way tinier than I remembered. Tonight I am thankful for the easy way that kids of all ages fit together - it sure makes the beginning of family easier. I am grateful that injera comes in the mail and that I know how to make shiro. I am grateful for air travel and how it has played such a big part in the making of our family. I am grateful for a full fridge and clean water and medicine and how that is going to make a difference in our kids lives.

But most of all I am thankful for my savior - who died that I might be adopted and then changed my life beyond all imagining. There have been hard days behind us and there will be hard days ahead of us - but I can do all things through Christ who strengths me, and tonight I am just enjoying having all my little chicks under one roof. Thanks be to God.

In the air

2010-03-27T07:48:00.003-06:00

happily the guys are in the air on thier way home!! They boarded the 2nd of 3 flights last night and should hopefully be sleeping in the air right now as the plane speeds towards LA. They got through the embassy quickly on Wed. and then had a chance to visit with Estifanos' uncle. The farewell party was on Thurs and Friday was packing up and getting ready to head home.

We can't wait to have our whole family home!!!

Tuesday in Ethiopia

2010-03-22T21:53:00.002-06:00

Scott arrived in ET on Monday midday and happily for me was able to do the shopping that I wasn't!! Gotta love a man who will shop - and bargain too! He was able to go get Estifanos on Monday late afternoon. When he arrived at AHOPE the children had just returned from school - Estifanos very shyly said hi and then ran off to wash his face and change his shirt. Then they hung out for a few minutes before heading to the guest house for dinner. Things seem to be going really well for them - Estifanos was running a fever last night and seems congested so if you all would pray for him to get better quickly as traveling with a cold is never fun. Continued prayers for Estifanos as he embarks on this journey to become a Grover - that his heart would be encouraged and that he would draw close to Scott. Please pray that everything is in order for the embassy appt on Wed - it should be, but prayer always helps!!!

On the home front we are all doing well - very glad that Nana arrived to help out. We somewhat foolishly went to the zoo today with all of Colorado Springs - oy! The boys couldn't even find a place to park thier car after driving around the parking lot for 30 minutes they gave up and went home. Then I managed to set our grill on fire trying to heat it up to cook dinner - even had to get out the fire extinguisher... always exciting at our house!!

On his way....

2010-03-20T12:19:00.002-06:00

This morning Scott left for Ethiopia - it is finally time for Estifanos to come home and our family to be complete.

Please join our family in praying for an easy journey with good connections for Scott and for the blessing of Estifanos bonding quickly to him!

Keep checking in to see what happens along the way.

And for those of you wondering - the girls are all a mess crying and carrying on about his departure.

rough day

2010-03-18T15:37:00.002-06:00

Suffice it to say that being up half the night mixed with sedation for the dentist appointment this morning has made for a very difficult day. Mix that in with her not sleeping the night for a week - thus my not sleeping.... and I am tired.

Just yesterday I reminded a dear friend that attachment was a marathon not a sprint. Today was like running a few miles barefoot over broken glass - ick. Hopefully tomorrow will be more like running downhill in the sunshine.

Last nights heartbreak

2010-03-17T15:43:00.002-06:00

Soooooo last night our social worker came for a post placement visit. Which we didn't consider to be a big deal at all, so we didn't talk to Alemtsehay about it before hand. After all our social worker seems to be more like a friend and we didn't think Alem would even give any attention to her.

So she arrives and askes her questions and makes some notes, takes her pictures and leaves. For the most part Alem just ignores her - which is her coping stragety for strangers - so that is fine. She answers questions when asked and cuddles on my lap most of the time. Our SW leaves and it is obvious something is way wrong. Alem is verging on a meltdown the rest of the night.... finally when she is getting her PJ's on and crying about it , it all comes pouring out. Apparently after her parents died she went to her aunt's house and then one night an italian lady comes and askes her some questions, takes a few pictures and then the next day she goes to KM. UUGGHHH!! she never knew what was coming, and of course she thought it was happening all over again. Which just goes to show how far we have come and how far we have to go. Happily I was able to reassure her that she was my girl and not going anywhere - which I don't think she totally believed until this morning when everything was the same. And how far we have to go until she knows we are forever....

dental surprises

2010-03-08T17:01:00.002-07:00

Oh how I hate the dentist.

When we first took Alemtsehay to the doctor they said be sure and see a dentist right away. gulp - knew that was a bad sign.
Our regular dentist said - you need and oral surgeon. The oral surgeon said - you really need a pediatric dentist.
I said - our dental insurance isn't that great.
Finally saw the pediatric dentist today - she was lovely. We need another appointment next week after they talk to our insurance company. Hopefully our insurance will cover half of it - which will max her benefits this year, but limit our out of pocket.

Who knew how much it costs to have broken teeth taken out - let me tell you it isn't free, but it wasn't as bad as some of the stories I have heard.

the easy and the hard

2010-03-06T07:53:00.002-07:00

With older child adoption you really don't have any idea what will be easy or hard - I've read and read and somethings still surprised me.

The easy:
School - she loves school, and while getting her up in the morning is a challenge school is not.
Food - we really thought there would be food issues and there are surprisingly few of them. She is picky - but compared to our other picky eater not so much.
Siblings - we expected some trouble as she settled in between the girls - but it is going surprisingly well. Becca has some trouble - mostly because Alem doesn't share like Emma does.

The hard:
Bedtime - now our bedtime issues aren't too bad - mostly just drama (which our other girls give us too) but by 8pm I am done and I want everyone to stay in bed...which right now isn't happening.
Stores - take my advice folks do not take you newly home older child to a store - even the grocery store- if you don't intend on purchasing them something. Do you realize how much crap is for sale at the grocery???
Tantrums - now this could also be in the easy catagory since she has relatively few and so far one one that I would count as hard - but it was hard....then it led into grief which is necessary but oh so hard to watch her go through.

If you are considering older child adoption and have questions - drop me a comment and I'll be happy to email you back.

travel confirmation

2010-03-04T18:23:00.001-07:00

Well we finally got travel confirmation - now the challenge is actually getting out of the Springs since our travel lines up with spring break.... honestly not the drama I need.

home one month

2010-02-24T21:00:00.003-07:00

Well we are home almost a month now - it is hard to believe that much time has gone by. WOW!

So you may be wondering how it is going after a month home - the truthful answer is really pretty well! We have had a handful of meltdowns/tantrums - truth be told if I were picked up and moved to ET I'd would have had many more than she has had! I think it helps tremendously that she understands so much of what has happened and it helps even more that she has such a wonderful grasp of english. Her vocabulary is improving as is her usage of sentances rather than just words. I need to be better at reflecting correct grammer back to her rather than ignoring it - but that is my job. There is sooo much talking in our house that I am sure by summer she will be totally fluent! Sleep is majorly important - she still needs more than she is getting, but she is beginning to sleep in more and isn't up at 5 or 6 am with the big boys - which is a big relief for me as an hour to myself in the morning makes a much happier mom! And I think it means that she is really relaxing more and not waking at every noise in the house. Food is way less of an issue than we expected - the first week or 2 home I thought she would burst at the seams for all she ate. But that has calmed down. She still eats alot - way more than Emma, but it is normalizing. One hard thing we have encountered is that Scott has had to travel alot with work lately and it has been challenging for her - both in terms of bonding with him, and in terms of trusting that we really are a family. We really haven't had any choice in the travel and it isn't going to get better anytime soon so we just have to figure out how to move through it.

The most stressful thing right now is me - LOL what a surprise! But I like having my kids mostly figured out - and with Alemtsehay is it a bit like standing on a cliff waiting to see what happens. Most of the time everything is just fine....and then every once in a while we fall off.

Travel dates

2010-02-24T18:37:00.002-07:00

Well tenative travel dates have been set for the week of March 24. Which is a bit later than I expected but AAI didn't get the extra embassy dates they asked for in March which is backing things up a bit. It actually is a great week for Scott to travel and then I think he will take the whole next week off to recover (at least I hope so). Both of those weeks are the kids spring break - should be lots of fun!

Happy Dance!!!

2010-02-19T07:01:00.002-07:00

We just got word that the court decree was issued!!! wooohooo!!!

Now we should get travel dates soon (of course my idea of soon is in about 2 minutes! - I'll wait until Monday to call - and believe me that is going to take some patience on my part!)

school

2010-02-18T12:25:00.001-07:00

Alemtsehay is adjusting pretty well to school - she likes to do her "homework" most nights - though I think homework in 1st grade is nuts.

A few years ago we tried our local school for a year - but were less than impressed. So we choiced Emma and Luke to other schools, but with the new kids coming home this year I couldn't manage the commute so back we went. And thus far we have been very impressed. Alemtsehay's teacher is lovely and her room is right next to Emma's. Then today - her teacher is out for a few days of training so there is a sub in the room (could be a reciepe for disaster) but today lo and behold I found out the sub has 3 Ethiopian sisters adopted 14 years ago - how cool is that!!! She was amazed that Alemtsehay is in school already - as when her sisters came home they knew no english at all. Alemtsehay knows lots of english - I will be very interested to see her ESL results (of course those will depend on if she felt comfortable with the ESL teacher)

File found / note to self

2010-02-18T08:21:00.003-07:00

We got an email first thing this morn that the lawyer in ET found the file at the court house - PRAISE GOD. We still don't have the court decree - but hopefully they will now issue it in the next few days.

NOTE TO SELF

Alemtsehay needs to go to be by 7 at the very latest (maybe 630).... not enough sleep = morning meltdown - yeeshhh not what I needed today. Though - only 3 meltdowns in 4 weeks - all brought on by lack of sleep, really not too bad.

misfiled

2010-02-17T16:53:00.001-07:00

Well here is the news of the day - still no court decree. The lawyer in ET thinks perhaps our case has been misfiled somewhere in the court - really????? How many things can go wrong with one case?????

waitng for Estifanos

2010-02-16T20:38:00.002-07:00

We are still waiting to hear about travel - sadly I think that means that so far they haven't recieved our court decree - and folks this is bad news, it should have been in last week. I really don't know what to think at this point. We so enjoy having Alemtsehay home, but it isn't enough- we need our boy home too. Sometimes I just want to scream enough it enough!!!

Adoption and Childbirth

2010-02-15T20:54:00.002-07:00

When I had our first I thought I'd never forget what it was like to be in labor and what it was like to be up night after night with a crying baby. but of course I did. (each and every time I forgot - I mean I sort of remembered but not really)

Well adoption is no different - you forget about all the work involved in blending a new family member in. You forget about the challenges of attachement, the tears and the grief. It is more than worth all the work - but it is probably a very good thing that this mommy's brain is more prone to remember the joys - the snuggles - the kisses and the hugs.

Couple of things I never want to forget - In ET one night we were out to dinner at one of those cultural resturants and Alemtsehay looks at me with surprise in her eyes and says "I think I like you!" ( now she had been telling me I love you all week - but those were just words - this was real feeling and it meant way more to me than the empty I love yous). The last week or so at night when she kisses me good night she kisses my head, my nose, both cheeks, my chin and then lips - totally her own thing and so very cute!

7 to 2 and back again

2010-02-13T20:23:00.002-07:00

Just a reminder to myself - 7 year old body - 2 year old impulse control, 2 year old emotions.

LOL - I totally forgot that today and we tried to hurry out for lunch and a run to the park before the snow sets in - ummmm not so much. Total meltdown. She was tired (got up waaayyyy to early - but how in the world do you make them sleep???) and didn't understand it was a fun trip and just didn't want to go. Dad set off with the other kids while I managed the meltdown. Once she calmed down and agreed to get in the car we met up with them and she was totally excited and on board with it all.

Lesson learned - we need to give her lots of warning before making any transitions.

Now for the big question of the day - she announced that she wants her haircut. What in the world to do - she was pretty clear about it, and her hair is very very damaged and dried out, but it isn't all that long to start with - barely to her shoulders when wet and then shrinks waaayy up when dry. I still need to experiment with product as I don't think I have just the right thing yet - or maybe I'm not using enough of it - but cut it??? I just don't know...... Tonight after bath is was beautiful - finally curling a bit and we put tons of stuff in .... we'll see in the morning - but she really dislikes it when it bushes out and isn't a fan of anykind of braid at all. YIKES I need to see if joyful mom over at HappyGirlHair gives online consults!!!

2 weeks home

2010-02-12T06:48:00.003-07:00

Well we have been home for 2 weeks now - and boy has time just "poof" disappeared. The first week home I had a cold and the jet lag wow oh wow - I was just done by about 5 pm each night. YIKES! but things are going amazingly well with Alemtsehay. The advantage of older child adoption is that they can tell you what they want, at least some of the time. She definitely has some food concerns - but it all relates to picky ness - as in yesterday I ate a ton of that, but today I'm not eating any of it. Thus far she doesn't seem to have any hoarding issues and is happy to share any treats she has - which is very sweet to see. She sleeps like a log - which is also great because getting up at night isn't fun for me! She has been waking very early - to play with her Polly pocket dolls - finally I just asked her to stay in bed and play as getting up with the teens at 6 am really isn't the greatest idea.

She started school this week and so far seems to really enjoy going (okay I typed that and did myself in this morning - as she decided that she didn't like any of her shoes or her hair - LOL)

Anyway older child adoption thus far has been much easier than I anticipated - there really haven't been any tantrums. She certainly is grieving and willing to cry and get it out - though she really can't talk about it - I don't think she had the English to convey it to me and mostly I imagine that she just feels sad inside.

Probably the biggest challenge for me is exhaustion - this is very tiring and stressful as you never know how she will react in a new situation - we are learning but these first few weeks are stressful. And there are many times I have to say to myself 7 year old body 2 year old mind - and boy oh boy is that true.

So far the best part is that she really seems to be fitting in - she definitely loves having brothers and sisters and at least most of the time she loves having a mom and a dad too.

Pictures To Share

2010-01-31T19:55:00.001-07:00

Here are some pictures of Bonnie and the kids from Ethiopia. Enjoy!

http://picasaweb.google.com/sagroverco/Ethiopia2010#

Home Safe and Sound

2010-01-30T22:03:00.002-07:00

Bonnie and Alemtsehay are home safe and sound. Alemtsehay is beautiful
and extremely sweet. We had quite the welcoming committee at the
airport. She enjoyed meeting her siblings and gave them all hugs. When
we put her to bed she was asleep in about 2 minutes. She was one
tired, beautiful pumpkin.

Thank you Lord for my tears of joy as I held this gift for the first
time. Thank you for this incredible blessing on our family.

Scott

In Houston

2010-01-30T17:09:00.003-07:00

Well after a short 17 hour flight, Bonnie and Alemtsehay are in Houston. The great news is that they are at the gate for Colorado Springs! Immigration was a breeze, and while Bonnie was dragging a tired little girl through the airport, they got to the gate with plenty of time. With enough time to spare for an ice cream for Alemtsehay. We are excited that the whole family will be at the airport and we will have a dear friend videotaping. We will post pictures soon. Thank you all again for walking this journey with us, and we look forward to you joining us for Estifanos' journey.

Blessings,

Scott

On Their Way Soon

2010-01-28T20:01:00.003-07:00

Well we are in the final stretch. Bonnie and Alemtsehay will be boarding their flight in the morning. We are so excited to have them coming home. I am so thankful that the trip has gone so smoothly and cant wait our new daughter to be home. Thank you all for your prayers and uplifiting comments.

Scott

More Great News

2010-01-27T14:16:00.002-07:00

Embassy visit was today and it went great. Alemtsehay's visa is in process!

Bonnie had dinner with both kids and had a great time...Chinese Italian was a big hit!

Estifanos handled going back to AHOPE very easily which was a huge answer to prayer.

Thank you Jesus for your provision, protection, and grace for our family!

Scott

Special Day #2

2010-01-26T08:15:00.004-07:00

Today Bonnie got to spend time with both kids. They are both very sweet. Estifanos was a bit nervous at first but warmed up as the day when by. We are so thankful that they both seem to be doing so well.

She is taking them other to dinner at the Chinese restaurant that apparently serves Italian food (only in Addis!) then will be saying goodbye to Estifanos.

Please pray with us that this goes well and that he understands that I will be there in a few weeks to bring him home for good. Also please pray that everything is in order for the embassy visit.

Thank you all for sharing this adventure with us!

Scott

WooHoo x 2

2010-01-25T06:50:00.003-07:00

Today is a special day in the Grover family. Bonnie met our latest beautiful daughter for the first time and is sharing big hugs with her. She is a very sweet and shy little girl and seems to be enjoying time with her new mom.

Additionally, Bonnie was able to be at court today for Estifanos' case and was there to see the case pass! We are so excited that his adoption is finally moving forward. Bonnie will get visit with him tonight and we are hoping praying that it will go well.

Please join us today in offering special praises to our Lord for His goodness and faithfulness in blessing our family!

Scott

In Addis

2010-01-24T08:22:00.002-07:00

Bonnie made it to Addis. She is settled in at the guest house and is waiting to hear when she can see the kids.

For those of you who are praying with us please pray over the following:

That Bonnie will get good rest tonight and will be at her emotional best to meet the kids and attend court.

That Estifanos will handle that Bonnie is only bringing Alemtsehay this week and that he will understand that I will be there as soon as I can.

That Alemtsehay will bond quickly and that she is ready for a new family.

That court is succesful tomorrow (tonight in the us). That all barriers will be moved and that there will be no reason that the case will not be passed.

Thanks,

Scott

Into the wild blue yonder

2010-01-22T21:37:00.003-07:00

WooHoo off to Africa she goes! Bonnie is in the air and about a quarter the way to Dubai. As much as I thought I was prepared for her to go, my heart already aches wishing I was with her and that I would get to meet our kids on Monday with her. Wow this is going to be tougher than I imagined.

Next stop Ethiopia

2010-01-22T06:27:00.003-07:00

WoooHooo the day has finally arrived! In a very short time I will be able to give our new kids big hugs. Wow - it is hard to believe.....

I'm nervous and excited and happy and sad all rolled up into one - wow I think it will be an emotional morning saying good bye to the kids will be hard - especially the little girls. The last week has been so frantic and busy that I imagine I will get on the plane and go right to sleep!!!

So off I go on the next step of this adventure.

days

2010-01-18T09:13:00.002-07:00

7 days until Estifaons's 9th court try
6 days until I meet Alemtsehaye for the very first time
5 days until I am overnighting it in Dubai
4 days until I am on a plane taking off!! (YIKES how did that get soooo close)
3 days until the last packing frenzy
2 days until the last shopping trip
1 day until my mom gets here

Seems like the next week is going to be waaayyyy full!

lots to do

2010-01-14T15:06:00.003-07:00

So I'm leaving in just a week to go get our girl!!! BUT the last thing I needed was 4 puking kids for a whole week. I've pretty much lost a week of prep time to sick kids. AHHHHH my poor mom - I'm so not going to be as prepared for her arrival as I would like to be!!!

Nerves.....

2010-01-08T06:53:00.003-07:00

Boy of boy do I have a case of the nerves - it is a bit nerve wracking to think that in 2 weeks I will be leaving to meet our newest kids.

When we went to get Becca I was nervous too - but it centerend more around going back to parent a 2 year old again and remembering all the needs that babies have (cause 2 is just a baby). And I was way nervous about meeting her - the idea that she might run screaming away from us - well it was a real possiblility and not one I wanted to encounter. She didn't - she was quite happy to have a large group of people to play with and follow her every move (smart girl!) I also figured that she was still so young that she would adapt well and we would adapt well too - and we all did. There were some ups and downs of course but mostly ups.

This time - wow the nerves are way higher. These kids have fully developed personalities and interestes and are probably way nervous about it all too. I have read until my brain is ready to explode so I think I am as prepared as can be for the good and the bad - but imagining meeting them - well I can't sleep at night wondering how it is going to go. Will they want a hug? will they be shy or demanding? Will they talk nonstop or not talk at all. Will be able to find common ground - soccer, jumprope, books .... Will she understand that we are leaving ET forever... will he understand that we will be back for him as soon as possible (and that one really makes me worried).

It is soooo exciting and nervewracking at the same time - and in 14 short days I will be on a plane.

Tickets purchased

2010-01-06T15:48:00.003-07:00

Wooohooo we actually got to purchase tickets to go get our girl!!! Alemtsehaye - we can hardly wait to see you! I will be on my way in just over 2 weeks - it is going to take 2 days to get there - LOL. I'm flying Emirates - which was wonderful last year, and will be staying a night in Dubai. Which really works out well as you get to sleep a few hours then shower and feel refreshed and land in Ethiopia around 1130 in the morning and then go get our girl!!!

Nope, failed again

2010-01-05T08:50:00.002-07:00

Well I know that you are all waiting to hear - but we failed again. This time apparently the uncle showed up and so did the orphanage person, but the judge wants a background piece of paper updated. The new court date is Jan 25. What a nightmare.

Currently the plan is for me to travel to bring home Alemtsehaye the week of Jan 25 - so hopefully there will be good news while I am there and then Scott will travel to bring him home - but sadly it won't be until March - ugh.

Try again tuesday

2010-01-02T13:03:00.002-07:00

At first they told us they would try court again on Monday - but it seems the Uncle will be unavailable as he is out of town, so they are going to try and get the judge to hear it on Tues - hopefully.

Nope , failed again

2010-01-01T08:24:00.002-07:00

Nope we failed again. There are no words, except I think we hired a bunch of totally incompetant people to get our kids home, now mind you we had no choice in the matter really and we have had alot - alot of grace for the situation but when we should be there right now getting him and she should have been home for a month.

Frday

2009-12-30T10:10:00.002-07:00

Okay - after much harrassing on my part our agency has told us that Estifaons case will be heard again in court on Friday (Thurs night here). Reportedly his uncle will be able to attend and everything is in order for him to pass. The journey to these kids has had more road bumps than I ever imagined but hopefully this is the point where the road smooths out before us.

Pray with us that his uncle is able to show up and that truely every piece of paper is there and that the judge looks with favor on our case, and of course that there is electricity in the building.

And pray our good news comes early Friday so I don't wear out the refresh button checking my email like a crazy woman!!!

Wise Men and adoption

2009-12-29T16:54:00.003-07:00

So the wise men saw a star in the east and knew it would lead them to a king - of course they probably weren't thinking a baby but never the less. The thing is that they were looking, looking and perhaps longing for something more - something that would give thier lives greater meaning, something to sacrifice for.

They journeyed far - probably farther than they ever imagined. With great sacrifice and hardship along the way - leaving the familiar comfortable life in thier home country and traveling for what may have been years. (by camel no less - by the way camels stink)

Then they were surprised at the manger - overwhelmed I am sure by the rustic simplicity of it - by the baby/small child they encountered - by the God that they encountered.

We start an adoption journey seeing that star in the distance.

The journey takes us farther than we imagine - out of our comfort zone, through valleys we never knew existed, testing and refining us every step of the way.

Then we are surprised at the manger - with a love for our children that is built by going the distance required to get them. And we find that we would sacrifice anything - gold, frankensence and myrrh to have them home - they are more precious than the physical or emotional cost of the journey.

That journey to the manger shaped the wisemen and it shapes adoptive families as well. May we all journey with grace and wisdom moving foward to the manger.

The end of my rope

2009-12-26T16:54:00.002-07:00

Alrighty then - we finally heard from Erin today and apparently the courts closed on Friday for a week. I'm totally having a difficult time believing that on Thursday when our case was to be heard again no one mentioned that the courts would be closed for the next week - but that is what we are being told now. We don't have any idea when they are going to hear the case again or what his uncle can do about attending. Seriously can anything else go wrong?? Oh yes it can because in 2 weeks (a little less) it is ET Christmas and then the celebration of the Epiphany (Timkat) so I am sure that the courts and gov't offices will be closed more than they are open.

And right now they are saying the best we can expect for Alemtsehaye is possibly a Jan 27 embassy date but more likely is Feb 10 - ummm hello it was supposed to be Dec 2 and now we are talking more than 2 months later and Estifanos even later than that - Oy!

I am completly a mess.

Heartbroken

2009-12-26T09:09:00.003-07:00

No, not what you are thinking - we haven't heard anything yet this morning.

But ...... often we talk about having our hearts broken for the orphan - recently I was pondering that. Actually what happened was we were watching Evan Almighty and there is a scene where God is talking to the mom and says if someone prays for patience does God give them patience or opportunities to become patient. Hmmmm. If someone prays for the plight of the orphan and asks God for his heart for the orphan, does God magically give them that heart, that feeling or opportunities to become broken or hurt for the orphan? You see we have had one stumbling block after another on the way to our son - in fact a few weeks after signing the referral papers we weren't sure we would be able to adopt him at all, obviously things worked out - but it was a tough couple of days and it made us realize excatly how much we really wanted him for our son, how committed we were to him. And now every step of the way our hearts are broken over each and every delay and we wonder what in the world God is doing. And perhaps He wonders what in the world we are doing allowing all these children to grow up in orphanages needing and wanting parents who never answer the call to adopt. You see adoption isn't only about the parents need/desire to parent - but even more so it is about the child's need/ desire for a family. Each and every child deserves to be special to someone - a mom and a dad. And that is what being heartbroken is about - about knowing there are millions of orphans that will never find a mom and a dad because God's people are not answering the call.

No news

2009-12-25T21:08:00.002-07:00

Many thanks to all of you for your sweet emails - but no news today. Supposedly they were trying again (since Christmas in ET isn't for a bit yet). Hopefully we will hear in the morning.

And Merry Christmas to all.

Not today.

2009-12-24T12:34:00.000-07:00

Not surprisingly we didn't pass today either. His uncle was unable to attend.

Ugh. failed again

2009-12-23T07:36:00.002-07:00

Well I don't even know what to say. Estifanos case failed again. This time because our agency didn't ask his uncle to come to court. Apparently the uncle came the last 2 times but they didn't think he needed to come again. And apparently the judge did. They are going to try again tomorrow.

This is like a never ending nightmare of hope and disappointment - I don't even want to get my hopes up for tomorrow because honestly who knows what will be required next. It is like someone keeps moving the target in front of us.

Thank you all for praying - and if you could pray with us one more time....

One more day

2009-12-22T10:41:00.002-07:00

One more day until Estifanos' 3rd try at court. Never in a million years did I think it would take so many tries. We have been assured that his file is complete and ready to go. Please pray with us that the courts will be open and working tomorrow and that the judge will be healthy and ready to work. Lord we are ready - may your will be done. (Hey folks - pray tonight as you are going to bed since Ethiopia is 10 hours ahead of us!!)

No word yet on Alemtsehayes court decree - it has been 2 months for something that should have taken 2 weeks.

God knew

2009-12-19T08:00:00.003-07:00

It is amazing really - totally amazing. This morning I am lying in bed praying (cause miracle of miracles the little on is still sleeping) and boy oh boy did God preach me a sermon.

From the beginning of time God knew - He knew when Adam and Eve left the garden, He knew Abraham and Noah and Moses and David and all the prophets. He knew the exact moment that He would enter time and be born - in a messy dirty icky manger to a teen age girl who had the courage to say yes. He knew.

From the beginning of my life God knew that this moment was arriving. When I prayed and asked for His heart for the orphan - He knew that it would break me - that it would lead me closer to Him than ever before. God's heart breaks for the orphan too - but He gets to see it all from eternity after the victory is won and I don't. It isn't that I don't know that ultimately the forces of God win, I sure do! but rather that I am sorely limited in my ability to integrate that with my life day to day. The thing is that God knew this adoption would break my heart, would send me to tears on a regualar basis (my poor husband), God knew how hard it would be for me to have 2 kids on the other side of the world who are alone and lonely who desperately need a mom and a dad. And still God chose this for me. This path has been hard to walk - but there have been many blessings along the way - friends who really get it, folks who I have not met in real life but who none the less have covenanted to pray for us daily until the kids pass court and the paperwork starts to come in, a closer dependance on God for daily living a deeper knowledge of the blessing of children in our lives.

God knew. and God knows the day that they will come home. I hope and pray that this week is the week that her paperwork begins to come in, I hope and pray that this is the week that he passes court and officially becomes a Grover. Dear Lord you have called and we have answered - let the time be now, please Lord bring them home.

what I'm learning - stress

2009-12-15T09:41:00.002-07:00

Oh my goodness stress - I have to say that I never really understood what it feels like to be stressed out for a long period of time. Like everyone there has always been stress off and on in my life - but not day in and day out. It is sooooo exhausting. Each night I am so very ready for bed super early (which is totally not me!) Now I understand how my poor husband feels on a regular basis. YUCKY!!
So how to manage it is the question of the day?? Excercise? a new project around the house? a good book? crafts? what drives the stress monster away??

Waiting

2009-12-10T17:21:00.002-07:00

Waiting is always a provoking topic on adoption boards - and for folks waiting for a referral well it is a challenge to wait well because what they are waiting for is for a family to fall apart, for a child to be orphaned - for disaster. That is the thing about adoption it is joy and sadness all in one package.

In our case the waiting is different. No one was lined up to adopt our kids, in fact they were waiting for us - for 2 long years in an orphanage waiting for us because thier birth parents had already passed away and extended family couldn't care for them. They have waited and waited and honestly I don't think they should have to wait anymore.

I am not a good waiter - seriously not. Of course in certian conditions I do okay - but these are not them. Waiting for someone else to find out what the heck is going on with Alemtsehaye's court decree, waiting for someone else to actually do the job they were supposed to have done this summer with Estifanos' paperwork, waiting for messages being relayed back and forth from ET to our agency contact, waiting for our own embassy (which is a seperate rant altogether) to tell us how they are going to comply with the new laws (which apparently they are considering not complying with - exactly how is that possible??) Waiting when I am not in control is driving me to my knees - which isn't a bad place to be. BUT seriously I am DONE!

Now the waiting of Advent I do well with - I enjoy the anticipation the holiday traditions and the wait well it really isn't very long. Did you know that prior to the birth of Christ there were no prophets in Israel for 400 years - God didn't speak to his people for 400 years leading up to the birth of His Son - that is a long wait ( and not the kind I am up for - just saying.)

2009-12-10T08:39:00.002-07:00

Please Lord let it be soon! I could really really really use some good news this week.

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the land
there are parentless children, with no toys in hand
No stockings to be hung by the chimney with care
no hopes for a family soon to be there
Their beds are not snug--but cold and quite bare
there are no goodnight kisses--no one to care
While we in our homes, laughing in delight
all settle down for a Merry Christmas Eve night
When in some one's heart--there arises a clatter
there are children in need--who's lives really DO matter!
Away to the computer please go in a flash
to see the sweet face with whom YOU could be matched!
While a child you see--their beautiful face all aglow
could this be MY child--could I already know??
When in the dreams of the orphan--what always appears
is a family to love them, to care and hold dear
As you stare at that child--your heart beats real quick
--for you know in your heart that sweet face will stick
More dreams sweet children have--to call parents by name
-come mama! come daddy! come family to claim!
To the ends of the earth--your heart seems to call
now child--I'm coming--I wish for you ALL!
So on a plane to your child--over rooftops you flew
to hold this dear soul--a wish did come true
And then in a twinkling-I saw through the door
this child of my heart-that was waiting no more
As I got my camera and was turning around-into my arms did he come with a bound!
He was dressed in many layers from his head to his footand into my heart his life was just put
there was no round face--no plump little belly
just sad little eyes, and legs shaking like jelly
In a swirl of a pen, and a stamp and a seal
my world became brighter--like I could suddenly feel!
We spoke not a word--they weren't needed at all
and I knew in this moment where I got this call
God layed his hands on my heart--and to the occasion I roseand He could do it for you--this question He'll pose.....It won't be a shout--no not even a whistle
it won't be real clear--but faint like a whisper
Can you make room in your heart--if you try with your might?
And make a difference for one--help them see the light?
I can see you exclaim as you hold your child tight--Thank you Lord for this gift--you got it EXACTLY right!

the week

2009-12-08T08:49:00.002-07:00

See when you are waiting in international adoption (at least for me) this is how it goes:

Sunday - you are thinking this will be the week - we will finally move foward.
Monday - still this will be the week
Tuesday - aarrgghhh it has to be the week - maybe I should email someone
Wednesday - still nothing - definately going to email someone
Thursday - email sent. no new info, really how long can this go on
Friday - tears another week over and no new info.
Saturday - next week has to be better

And then it starts all over again. OY! I'm totally burntout emotionally on this particular rollercoaster, I would dearly like to get off and begin riding the carousel.

Today

2009-12-01T08:51:00.002-07:00

Today is World AIDS day

and

Today is the day I was supposed to meet our new daughter in Addis

I really didn't think it would be so hard to face today - but my heart is hurting with the longing to hold both of the new kids in my arms, kiss thier sweet faces and begin the process of getting to know them.....

Soon please.

Failed court again

2009-11-24T08:58:00.002-07:00

Oy this is a hard one to write - we have failed court again. All over the same piece of paper that we have been repeately reassured that they have. His case is reassigned to the 23 of Dec. Our represenative in Addis didn't advocate for an earlier date because he is concerned that they won't get it done by then anyway. Seriously???? The orphanage has known since June that we want to adopt him - and he has been there for 2 years so there has been plenty of time to complete his file and yet they haven't. Now I know that Africa works on different time and things just aren't as important but SERIOUSLY?????

This is the hard thing about adoption the waiting on someone else to do thier JOB so that your child can come home. And it is the hard thing about our agency - they have a horrible reputation for getting kids though court and I guess that is going to include our kids.

Now I'm just going to go cry.

Pity party over...

2009-11-23T16:45:00.002-07:00

soooo today we got a little report on Alemtsehaye detailing her likes - favorite food (ice cream) favorite color - pink (of course now we will have 3 little pink girls!) her clothes and shoe size all sort of little tidbits. AND a little note she said to tell her family that she loves them (aaawwwhhh).

Then promptly I began to have my own little pity party because I want to be on my way to get her - not hearing someone elses impressions of her (by the way she loves skirts - especially red ones .... hopefully I can find one!). Sigh, but we aren't on our way just yet - thus the pity party. (It doesn't help that I am totally not sleeping - ugh)

But that needs to end - being thankful is a choice and I choose to be thankful for the opportunity before me - the opportunity to pray for her and Estifanos the opportunity to long for them the opportunity to trust God for His perfect timing and His perfect provision. I choose to glorify God even when I am waiting and longing. All through Biblical history people have been waiting and longing. Waiting and longing for a Messiah or as Becca's favorite Bible story book describes it for God's secret rescue mission. Then after Jesus' death and resurection the longing for His glorious return. I am thankful this day that I can wait and trust that God has plans to prosper me to give me a future and a hope!

Just 2 more days until Estifanos' court date - please Lord let your will be done in that court room, let the judge submit to your plan for Estifanos, that he would be called a Grover from that day foward....

National Adoption Day

2009-11-21T12:51:00.002-07:00

yep that is today - Nov 21st. Now let me just say how thankful I am for adoption - for my own adoption into the family of God - that has led me down this journey to continue to build our family through the miracle that is adoption.

It is hard to imagine our lives without our adopted children - from Kathleen - 13 years ago! To Becca just 1 year ago to Estifanos and Alemtsehay who we are still waiting for, our lives are richer and more blessed. Our lives have been expanded and our capacity to love has overflowed by having these amazing kids in our lives.

Thank you Jesus - for first adopting us and then calling us to these kids - what a blessing you have given us all the days of our lives. Thank you for trusting us with these precious ones.

(and only 4 more days until Estifanos court date - please Lord let everything be in order that the appointed time for him to be a Grover arrives this week)

8 days

2009-11-17T07:24:00.002-07:00

Eight more days until Estifanos's court date - aaaarrrrgggghhhh - can't wait!! Our agency thinks that the orphanage has the paper needed - so I guess we will just have to wait and see. If he passes we are hoping for a mid Jan travel date - hopefully his post court paperwork will come in more speedily than Alemtsehaye's has (hers still isn't in).

Now the question is what to do with all my nervous energy! In the last several weeks I have redone all the bathrooms and painted the kitchen cabinets, painted the laundry room and hung bead board. Scott may have to work all weekend so I'm going to need something to keep me occupied..... hmmm wonder what it will be.

Well then - never mind

2009-11-10T14:29:00.002-07:00

Thanks for all the great thoughts and prayers - unfortunately some paperwork our agency had been expecting from the courts has yet to show up and we are not going to make the Dec 2 embassy date. Sigh. honestly we never expected to have that date - the last few days have been a total whirlwind of decisions, and lists and panic - now we have to wait - and choose a new date. Since we still need a waiver the 16th is out so that leaves the 30th or the 13th of Jan. not sure the implications of the waiver on the 30th - kind of a wierd situation, no one knows quite what to expect. (and anticipating that we have already asked our senator to look into it for us - because I really don't think we should need one in Dec at all! but we will see what they find out) The thing is though that the thought of having her home early - was such an amazing gift we were all so excited, so thrilled at the thought of our early Christmas present - that knowing we are going to have to wait , well it makes the wait hard. The hardest part is going to be telling Emma and Luke - they are sooooo excited. Last night I overheard them talking about having her home and what they wanted to show her and play - just cute, cute , cute. so I know they are going to take this kinda hard (me too.)

Panic

2009-11-10T07:54:00.002-07:00

Aaaahhhhh - not sure how I thought I could be ready to go in 3 weeks - really need to be ready in 2 weeks cause the kids have Thanksgiving week off so I won't get much of anything done then. It will all be fine I know - but YIKES is all I have to say right now. Thank God my mom is coming - Thanksgiving until Christmas so there will be an extra set of hands for everything and someone to hold the house together while I am gone.

It feels a bit like juggling - so many balls kids, meals, house, Chistmas, travel, meeting new daughter!!!!, embassy.

Pray for us! Especially pray that her visa waiver comes in quickly - like 5 days so we can get home early!!! (and folks that would be a big miracle)

Feeling totally unprepared - travel in 3 weeks!?!

2009-11-08T18:31:00.003-07:00

Alrighty then - I had totally prepared myself for being offered a Dec 16 embassy date - we haven't been waiting long, unlike alot of folks, haven't had any delays with Alemtsehayes case so really weren't expecting the email we got today saying we were cleared for a Dec 2 embassy date - I almost fell out of my chair. Estifanos has court scheduled for Nov 25 and if he passes then his embassy date will be Jan 12 - no way to make it earlier due to all the translating of documents obtaining of birth certificates and passports, embassy medicals etc. BUT Alemtsehaye is ready to come home now - huge dilema. Where we are right now is that it must be the appointed hour for her to come home - It will take 2+weeks in country to get her visa and waiver and we aren't really sure at this point how to make it all work but are pressing foward with making plans and getting embassy paperwork ready to go - gulp!

After all this I feel so unprepared. The house is ready, the room is ready there are clothes bought and toys purchased - but wow it is really happening we are bringing home another daughter - we are so blessed. (and will be doubly so when Estifanos comes home)

No regrets

2009-11-06T20:43:00.002-07:00

I am not going to regret one minute of waiting for these kids - they are worth every single prayer, every wet pillow of tears, every cry out to God - they are worth waiting for.

In a way adoption is a bit like being a week or 2 passed your due date - you have pictures and court dates and everyone wants to know when are they coming home - and you have to smile and say - I'm not sure, we are waiting for the embassy, waiting for a travel date and so on. Emma had the grace to arrive on her due date, Luke - thank God the doctor took pity on me and induced 10 days early, but AJ and Adam were both late, late, late and I didn't handle that well - in my defense I could hardly move and certainly didn't sleep well. But I was impatience and unable to wait gracefully.

This time I am going to wait gracefully - (I'm going to pray like crazy for favor for the kids remaining court date, embassy appointments and stuff like that) but I'm going to savor every moment, every triumph, every single bit of it - they are sooooo worth it. I can't wait to meet them - and say "We never counted the cost - you were worth every single moment - I would do it all again for the privilege of being your Mom"

Alemtsehaye and Estifanos - you are worth it, and you are already well loved.

Let the countdown begin

2009-11-06T10:33:00.001-07:00

19 days until Estifanos next court date - we are praying hard over here!!

kitchen cabinets

2009-11-05T06:52:00.003-07:00

Well I'm totally going to do it - I'm painting my kitchen cabinets this weekend - I'll take before and after shots to put up - hopefully by Monday, but painting cabinets is a big job and the rest of life doesn't stop in the mean time! We are also going to hang our Christmas lights (Mom don't laugh) I won't turn them on until after Thanksgiving - but the weather is supposed to be in the 60s and nice on Sat - and there have been years where the light hanging has been very abbreviated due to cold (and a year or 2 where they didn't get hung at all) AJ is more than happy to climb on the roof and hang the lights - and Scott is more than happy to pass that job over to him! AJ also has his last varsity football game of the season on Fri - thank goodness it is supposed to be warm so we can all go and see it. (although the little girls and I leave a halftime).

Now hopefully the younger kids will make it to school today and Scott and I can meet for lunch!

The only thing that would make this weekend better would be if Erin would email us about embassy dates - just saying I am ready to make some more plans!!!

Tugs at my heart

2009-11-04T07:26:00.004-07:00

So a traveling family just sent me an email to let me know that although they didn't get to meet Estifanos when they were at AHOPE (he was at school) they did take a picture of his bunk bed and taped up around it were the pictures we have sent him - aawwwww. Totally makes me cry to think these kids of ours have a family of thier own and yet they wait and wait for the legal process to get accomplished, and many of the kids in the orphanages with Estifanos and Alemtsehaye wait and wait for a family. We have another picture of Estifanos as he is opening a letter filled with picutres - the look on his face is priceless - totally my favorite picture of him so far - it just pulls at the heart you know to see how precious those letters and pictures are, and how vunerable he is. We have sent letters to Alemtsehaye too and have a few pictures of her, but not as many families travel to her orphanage so unfortunately there are less pictures.

Yesterday Becca found a magic wand and has been trying to turn her brother into a frog or a rock depending on her mood - LOL you can't convice her that it won't work. I tell you this kids cracks me up!! Now if only her magic wand could move the mountian of court dates and travel dates! That would be something.

Dilema

2009-11-03T08:18:00.002-07:00

(as an aside we kept Becca up all day yesterday and until 7pm - poor kiddo was soooo tired - but she slept until 7am woohooo)

So our dilema. Alemtsehaye passed court on Oct 23, Estifanos did not - he is rescheduled for Nov 25 and I had been hoping for him to pass sometime last week, but it didn't happen - so it seems like Nov 25 will be the big day. Our agency recently said that no one is going to be traveling in Nov so that means 2 possible embassy dates for Alemtsehaye - Dec 2 or Dec 16. Rightfully so the earlier date will go to families that have waited a terribly long time or who have very sick kids waiting to come home, so that would most likely mean a Dec 16 date for us and will mean 2 weeks in country (since the HIV ban is still in affect until Jan) well you can see the problem. We desperately want her home - but being gone for Christmas isn't really an option, being gone for 2 weeks isn't really an option - we'd have to tag team. And mostly I worry about how Estifanos would feel if we arrived and visited with him and then left with her - now of course we'd be back in a few weeks for him - most likely early/mid Jan but how hurtful would that be? could he really understand? I have had lots of kiddos that age and I can pretty much say that no I don't think he would understand. So then I think well we should just go once he passes - Jan is that much further off, but what if he doesn't pass again??How long should she wait. . . and her health is more fragile than his.
Don't misunderstand - I know that God is in control and they will come home at the appointed hour - but boy oh boy I'd really like that hour to be Dec 2 for both of them (with only a week in country)

Time Change

2009-11-02T06:28:00.002-07:00

Who ever invented the time change did not have small children!!! Honestly - I - think - I'm - going - to - lose - my - mind with the waking up at such an awful hour!!!!! Mostly cause Becca wakes up in 3rd gear and wants to get dressed and going right away and seriously at 530 in the morning I'm not in the mood. While Scott was traveling she slept until 8, which was marvelous. Now that he is home she is getting up at 630, except with the time change that means 530 - and the sun isn't even up.

End of the Ban

2009-11-01T15:56:00.002-07:00

On Friday the HIV immigration ban ended (well in 60 days) - it is a banner day. Praise God for the ways he goes before us when we don't even know what our needs will be!!

Nesting

2009-10-31T09:35:00.003-06:00

Yep - nesting away over here!! In the last few weeks I have completely redone the 3 main bathrooms in our house and am really contemplating painting my kitchen cabinets! It's not like the new kids are going to care - it is more like I have to do something with all the nervous energy I have..... now if we could get travvel dates (and Estifanos through court).

Court news!!! one down one to go!!!

2009-10-23T16:56:00.002-06:00

Well just last night we were talking about how we knew this was going to be the hard part - waiting for court, waiting for a date waiting , waiting , waiting.

Then this morning I opened my email to find a big surprise!! Apparently our court date was today and while we were sleeping Alemtsehaye officially became a Grover!!! Estifanos did not. there was a piece missing from his file and they will try again on Nov 25 - eeerrrrggghh. We are really hoping that they will get the paper and slip his case in earlier than that.

So what does that mean in terms of travel??? well we really don't know at this point. It seems like we will be able to get Alemtsehaye home soon (like before Christmas!!!) and hopefully Estifanos too - so join us in praying for favor for Estifanos to pass court soon (like next week!!) and for early travel dates!!

I don't want to forget

2009-10-20T19:42:00.002-06:00

Please let me not forget this desperate longing for Estifanos and Alemtsehaye to be home. When we are in the midst of settling in and are sleep deprived, when there are upsets over rules and new foods let me not forget how much I wish they were here right now. When there are tears and visits to the doctor let me not forget how hard I am praying for a court date. Please Lord let me not forget that as much as I love them you love them more - that as much as I think it is more than time for our court date - you are in control, that as much as I have a plan - you have THE PLAN. Please Lord - let me not forget this longing for them to be tucked up in their beds here in our house, safe and sound at last.

And let me never forget the 147 million more who are not safe and sound in anyone's house or anyone's dreams . . .

Surprise - good news

2009-09-28T12:57:00.002-06:00

Well in Aug just before the courts were closing I asked folks to pray that our paperwork would be finished and submitted to the courts so that we could be in line for a fall courtdate when they reopened in Oct. We didn't hear anything and assumed that the paperwork simply didn't get done - so I asked our specialist to check on it last week - and lo and behold it did get taken care of just before the courts closed and our agency is hopefull we will get an - hold your hats - October court date!!!!!! Unbelieveable. Now I really have to get moving on the rest of the paperwork.

WooooHoooo Jesus! I can hardly believe things are moving foward!!!

Love Letters

2009-09-24T13:45:00.002-06:00

So with this adoption we are blessed that our new agency allows traveling parents to take picture of the kids for you when you are waiting and allows parents to send letters to the kids. One parent said to think of these precious letters as love letters to your child - a way to give them a window into your life and the life that is waiting for them when they get home. So we write and send letters full of pictures and stickers for them to pass out - we try to fold alot of love into a few pages and seal it in an envelope in hopes that it bursts out when they open it and they feel the love of a family - that they begin to feel like they belong.

gggrrrrr USCIS

2009-09-23T12:41:00.002-06:00

When we were adopting Becca last year we had a problem with a visa cable that goes from our local USCIS office to the NVC to the Embassy. The problem - a typo that made it seem as if our approval was for a child under 1 year old, when in fact our approval was for up to 2 children as old as age 7. No one caught it until we were there and it took some string pulling to get it taken care of quickly so we could make our flight home - really not a common problem - so what is the chance it could happen again - who knows but it has. At least this time we aren't in country trying to solve the problem but some how our visa cable doesn't match the kids we are adopting. It must be a typo so our SW is working on getting it fixed - when I found out I just had to laugh. Who ever said lighting doesnt strike twice never adopted.

Prayer

2009-09-18T22:07:00.002-06:00

I have been convinced that prayer moves things (it moves God's people and mysteriously it somehow moves God) anyway - almost 2 years ago we were moved to begin our adoption journey to Becca - at the same time halfway around the world a young mother was dying - was it her prayer that moved us perhaps - I don't think it was randomness that a year later her sweet baby girl became our sweet baby girl. Before we even completed that adoption we were back in the thick of it - being moved by God, being moved by prayer, and being moved to pray.

Then recently I stumbled across a blog of a family who have adopted a boy from the same orphanage as Estifanos is in - and their son, now home 6 months or more was telling them about how he and a friend used to climb into each others bunks and pray together for thier new families to find them - yep - major tears to think of these sweet 5 and 7 year old boys staying up past lights out to pray together for God to find thier families. Then another bloggy friend who is in ET right now at our daughters orphanage wrote this week of another little girl who wrote her a letter asking her to please, please find a family for her.

You see the older kids in orphanages know that most of the time families only want very young and very healthy kids - and so they pray that they might be the lucky one who will recieve a gift bag with a tshirt and photo album that lets them know that they have been choosen. And then if it happens for them they pray for thier friends to have the same miracle of being lost and then found.

And so I am thankful for prayer that moves mountians, prayer that moves hearts and prayer that finds families for orphans, I am thankful for a God who allows our prayers to move His own heart and for a God that allows us to be the answer to someone's prayer.

AN ORPHAN'S PRAYER
I am waiting…somewhere far, far away…on the other side of the world.
I may not know who you are or what you look like.
But somehow, deep in my heart, I know you are out there.
That one day you will come and find me.
It's a long journey, and it takes a lot of time.
I wish it could be easier.
But I know that the ones who come for me will not count the cost.
They will only see the joy of finding me.
For now I abide in the fields of the fatherless.
Day by day wondering, "Why was I born here and not somewhere else?"
Asking, "Why couldn't my life have been different?"
It is so lonely…Even though I am surrounded by hundreds of other children,
I know that something is missing.
I know in my heart I need a place to call home.
My arms long to be wrapped in a father's embrace…
I long to be saved by a mother's love.
Gazing out the orphanage window,
I offer a prayer of hope,"Oh God, please help them come quickly."
Even as I lay in the darkness each night somehow I feel assured.
That no matter how lost I appear I am not alone.
Holy hands guard my steps;
sacred fingers wipe my tears…
Touching my lonely heart.
The one who made me,
The God who knew me before I was born,
Hears me every time I call.
He whispers His promises in my ear.
I listen with hope to His voice.
But what I worry about most is that no one wants to look for me.
The fields are vast, and there are so many scattered all over the earth.
I wonder how one little child, so lost, can be found.
Yet He calms my heart and assures me that He will find you.
That He will make sure you hear His voice clearly.
He has promised me that He will make a way through the fields.
That He will personally cut a path, and lead you right to my orphanage door.
My prayer is…When He speaks, please don't forget to listen.
When He calls, don't be too afraid to go.
For I am waiting…somewhere far, far away.

from All God's Children's Newsletter. No author noted.

The Church Triumphant

2009-08-25T12:17:00.001-06:00

Today my beautiful Grandmother joined the Church Triumphant and is now part of the great cloud of witnesses before the throne of God.

Grammy you are well loved and we will see you again.

peeling the onion - all about hair

2009-08-23T20:47:00.002-06:00

Over the last month or so Becca's hair has grown a foot (or at least 2 inches) and has quickly overwhelmed my meager efforts to figure out what to do with it. Top that off with the fact that she really truly dislikes - read hates- to have her hair messed with and it is recipe for disaster. Then top that off with the fact that Alemtsehaye's hair is really - really long and you have one overwhelmed mom at the thought of struggling with 2 girls hair - sigh. I am not alone in trying to figure it all out however and thank goodness that those who have gone before me on this journey of transracial parenting have shared their knowledge.

The thing is that I love Becca's hair down and curly, it is perfect and beautiful that way - perfect ringlet curls - unfortunately she really can't keep it nice when it is down - after all she is only 3 and really doesn't care about how her hair looks. BUT you can be sure that folks around us do notice and care about her hair. One day when her hair was loose and kinda messy my neighbor commented that it looked as if I needed a lesson on AA hair care. She offered some advice and hints and products - but truly it was time for me to step it up and figure it out. The big thing seems to be shampoo with out sulfates and conditioner with out silicone - for a number of reasons to do with oil production and so on. The other big thing is the appropriate amount of moisture each day (again silicone free) but every day, and way more than you would think. Last week I did some twists in Beccas hair - super cute but I only was brave enough to try 4 and then really didn't keep it moist enough so it got a bit fuzzy but did last a whole week, which is great as far as I am concerned. Then this week I put lots of shea butter in her hair to condition and then washed and conditioned some more and then went to do box braids (totally brave on my part!!) Discovered there was still a bit of shea butter in the hair but just rubbed it in more and managed to get 12 box braids in - victory! and so cute too. The best part is what happened at church on Sunday (put the braids in on Sat and then went to pool afterwards and they held up really well) anyway sweet AA lady at church was talking to Becca and I and asked me who I had to do her hair - I told her I did it and she looked totally shocked and said I was doing a great job. Completely made my day and boosted my confidence.

As a white woman I will never fully understand the implications of hair in the african american community - but as I peel the onion of hair and transracial parenting I will do my darndest to understand and adhere to the customs of it - my kids are worth it. (but I think cornrows will have to wait until little miss can sit still - or until big sis comes home)

prayer needed

2009-08-18T16:53:00.001-06:00

So our son's file is missing one letter - when that arrives thier cases will be ready to be submitted to court - pray with us that this letter arrives and they can be submitted in the next 2 days before court closes for 6 weeks.

Gift Bags

2009-08-18T10:40:00.003-06:00

So when we accepted the referral of the kids we were allowed to send them gift bags. We included a tshirt with a picture of the family and each of thier pictures, a photo album, a letter and a few small toys. The reciept of the gift bag is the official announcement to the kids that they are being adopted. Often times because our agency allows traveling parents to take pictures for waiting families they figure it out on their own. We have recently recieved several pictures of our son - in the first one you could see him putting 2 and 2 together and the biggest grin. Up until now however no one has been to our daughters orphanage so this was a big surprise to her - and you can see it on her face - so cute. Probably the best thing is that the staff in ET took Alemtsehaye from her orphange (KM) to Estifanos's orphange (AHOPE) to meet him and open their bags together and then set us the picture - what a precious gift!

Now if only our case could be submitted to court before the closure on Friday - pray with me folks!!!