On paper it seems as if we created artifical triplets - our bio girl Emma is 8 (9 in Sept), Estifanos is 8 (9 in Aug) and Alem is 7 (8 in Aug). Currently the reality is that we created 2 sets of twins - Emma and Estifanos are very close in age - and in personality which is nice. It also works well because they are boy/girl and thus into different things so at least so far we haven't had any difficulities there.
The second set of "twins" would be Becca (who on paper is 4 - but most likely is at least 6 months older) and Alem (who on paper is 7 but emotionally is 4 or 5). This presents many challenges as it is hard to explain to Becca why Alem doesn't treat her the same way as Emma and Estifanos do. Or how to handle the envitable fights over Barbie and Polly Pocket since neither of them is really capapble of negotiation yet... I am hopefuly that Alem will emotionally mature faster than Becca and this set of twins will naturally go away...
I can understand why social workers are hesitant to allow families to artifically twin - it is hard work to make sure that no one gets lost in the shuffle.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
twinning
Posted by Bonnie at 8:50 PM
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4 comments:
Oh Bonnie, I totally get what you are saying and it is so true with my triplets even though mentality wise I have 2 sets of twins.
Our adoption created 2 sets of Virtual Twins, and the kids really do love it.
Our youngest bio. boys are 8 and 10, while our adopted girls are 8 and 11. Let me tell you, they make the cutest 2 little sets of twins. (When the girls came home from Ghana 2 years ago, each set of twins was EXACTLY the same size ... every measurement was within 1/2" and they weighed within 3# of each other.)
Positives ...
#1 Like you said we thought "twinning" a boy and girl was much better than if we had twinned 2 boys or 2 girls.
#2 Our adopted children had "twins" just their ages to "show them the ropes" when they arrived in America.
#3 Our kids really LIKE having a "twin". We actually have a set of bio. identical twins that are now 21, so our family has always done the "twin thing". So, the young ones think it is fun to have a twin.
#4 When buying new clothes for something special, we will buy the 2 boys matching outfits and the 2 girls coordinating matching outfits. So, we like to play up the "twin thing".
Negative ...
#1 Our bio. kids have had 8 and 10 years of life training. Our adopted girls still have a long ways to go to catch up emotionally, socially, etc... I know our girls feelings get hurt when the boys are allowed to do things (like ride their bikes in the street) that the girls just aren't ready for. We have to explain over and over that our boys have had years of "training" and that the girls just aren't ready for the same responsibilities or rewards.
Overall ... we LOVE our Virtual Twins. We have never regretted adopting same age children as our bio.
Laurel
what do you think about adopting out of birth order? Do you think it is harder or just as hard?
NIcole:)
The out of birth order stuff is definately playing a part in our struggles with Becca and Alem. It is just hard to know how much of a part. Estifanos and Becca have no trouble relating in acceptable ways - he is however a much calmer, well adjusted child over all and so he reacts to her in a normal way that an 8 year old would. If Alem were the same then all would be fine and dandy. Becca actually handled all the extra attention the new kids needed pretty well for the first few months - but when it became apparent that she and Alem were going to be in competition things ramped up. Personally I would never recommend out of birth order adoption to parents who hadn't parented a wide range of ages - jumping into older kids when you have not been there before is hard. (I know because our first adoption was a 16 year old girl when our bio kids were 1 and 3) I think experienced parents are more likely to survive the initally challenges with their sanity intact - though there are days I wonder about mine! LOL!
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