Raising Black kids - and my white umbrella

Oy. This interaction has been stewing in my thoughts for several weeks....

So I'm at the school waiting to pick up the kids and per usual a group of moms are chatting together. Usually it is just the usual mom stuff - how much homework the teacher is assigning, who's kiddos is sick with what and so on. But not this day. It starts out innocently enough a mom talking about going to walmart just before pick up.... but then she starts in on a rant about black welfare moms with like 10 kids. Ugh. My neighbor quickly tries to change the subject - but this lady was not going to be derailed. Nevermind that in order to qualify for WIC (which is what I assume she was going on about - cause food stamps are nearly impossible to qualify for these days) you really really have to have a significant need... and really does anyone want kids to go hungry? and why do we pay taxes except to help those who are in a hard spot - because but for the grace of God.... 2 things were irritating me. One - 10 kids. Ummm what is wrong with someone having 10 kids? and frankly I doubt it was 10 - probably 4 or maybe even just 3 or the person in question was simply babysitting a number of kids. Why did she assume that they were all hers? just because the other woman was black? really? As for WIC - frankly I am greatfull that there are programs like WIC and free lunch so that kids don't go hungry. Any way in the next breath she looks at me and it dawns on her that I have 8 kids, and a bunch of them are black. And she is mortified. And I am furious. Furious that in this day and age someone could continue to make such racist assumptions. And furious that I wasn't better prepared with a reasonable response. Ugh Ugh Ugh.

Then just this weekend I was running out to the store and in our neighborhood a young man was pulled over... ( I am assuming for speeding - which is a huge problem right where the traffic stop was) and the cop had the teen (probably17 , probably a friend of my sons) sitting on the curb while he went through the car and the kids backpack. And it all jumped out at me because the young man was black. I wonder had it been my white teen boys how they would have been treated....

And the thing is that when my black kids are with me they get coverage from my white umbrella. I'm white and upper middle class white too - when we are out with the kids people buy us icecream and thank us for raising them.... Ugh. makes. me. nuts. Well the kids really enjoy the ice cream... and frankly it isn't just white people, it's blacks too, and that I really don't know what to do with. And those kind of racial assumptions are why my black kids don't go out to the store or McDs looking like they just rolled out of bed (and why I don't either). Society is stacked against them enough as it is. I have seen the suspicions looks my 9 year old black son gets when he is on the toy aisle alone.... and the smiles and indulgent looks he gets when he is with me. And I have been in Walmart with 7 or 10 kids and no one looks twice but if I were black they sure would and that is wrong.

So what to do - we live in a fairly accepting community but ingrained racism is everywhere - and as my kids get older we will be bumping up against it more and more. And as they get older my umbrella won't reach over them... and that scares me to death.

A Miracle

I realize that it has been forever since I updated this poor blog - life with 7 kids at home and the start of school has been over the top busy... really I had no idea how easy life with just 5 kids was!

So we have had a total miracle here - if you had been to my house in June or July you would have committed to much prayer on our behalf as things were not going very smoothly with Alem (who we have renamed Sarah - but that is a different story). She was having meltdown after meltdown and the level of rage she was exhibiting was only increasing. There would be periods of calm but they were all marked by extreme manipulation on her part trying to get her way or a reward or what ever. I can honestly tell you that it was beyond anything we had ever expected to deal with - we didn't go into this with our eyes closed - but what we were living with was beyond hard. Therapy was hard - actually harder than hard some days... when she would rage at therapy there were times I despaired of actually being able to get her home, as in would she really get in the car or not?? Finally in the end of July we simply had to decide that parenting her wasn't going to steal the joy we had in our other children - we weren't going to let her behaviors rob the others of a fun time with Mom or Dad. And I had to let go of the idea that suddenly she would be healed that her behaviors would be fixed that her heart would be whole. The trauma from her earlier life was totally driving her behavior and apart from God acting on her behalf we were doing all we could for her... and the other kids needed attention too.

And then the miracle happened... one day she just stopped fighting us - stopped fighting the feelings of love and acceptance and started to press into them, seeking love and acceptance, talking about her big feelings instead of trying to punish us all for them. Almost over night she settled down to normal - just a normal little girl with normal little girl hurts and upsets, and some really big ones too - but now she trusts us with them and by doing so we are able to help her to be more regulated in her feelings and understanding. There is alot of pain, abuse and betrayal in her story... surviving it is a miracle in and of itself - but reaching the point of emotional healing - well no one but the Father could have orchestrated it. These last 8 months with her have been harder than I could ever have imagined - but what we see in her today is more beautiful that we could have imagined... truly He gives beauty for ashes and strength for fear.

I know that God moved on her behalf and I praise Him for it... but the fertile ground of prayer and all the work we did with her paved the way. I will try and write about some of the strategies that worked for us... but if you are in the middle of the battle and want advice or someone to pray for you - leave a comment (I won't post it - but would be happy to chat about it).

For those of you who have stormed heaven on our behalf - thank you, from the bottom of my heart thank you... I cannot wait to meet some of you in heaven (if not before) so that you can see what your prayers have wrought on our behalf - a beautiful, and healed, daugter of the King.

Fish

I swear my kids have grown gills this summer! The ET kiddos all can swim now and swim quite well too! Becca came home swimming but this is the first year we have allowed her not to use floaties - seriosly folks she is only 2 inches over 3 feet tall and the shallow end of our pool is 3 feet! Alem and Estifanos had never been in the water before coming home but boy do they love it now!The kids buried Luke in the sand at the volleyball court - very little volleyball ever gets played but it is the best sand box in town.

The hard stuff

So this past week we had a visit to Children's to see our infections disease docs. The kids are doing pretty well on their meds - which is great and hopefully, pending results from the lab we won't be going back until Oct!! Which would be awesome.

Our amazing nurse practitioner there is an adoptive mom of 2 ET kiddos and really knows what is what when it comes to adoption, and the hard stuff... I filter some of what I say to the team we see because Alem is in the room with us, but I try to be as real as possible. This week the social work team asked if I'd speak to them in the hall - I sure did. And I know I gave them a fright as I shared more than usual about our challenges, but seriously how in the world are they going to help people if everyone sugar coats things? Any way at a social event later in the week our NP thanked me for being real with them... I about cracked up - because seriously how can I be totally real when I am talking to 2 young gals who have -0- kids between them? LOL - and one gal is just out of school. Anyway I guess I gave them things to talk about at the team meeting - and since more and more folks are adopting older kiddos - well maybe they will be able to put together some things that actually help.

As for our control issues - ugh. Really there is no other word for how the last weeks have been - if you pray we sure could use it.

Life is...

CRAZY BUSY! I never really imagined that I would never have a moment to myself this summer - but boy oh boy I sure don't! I have tons on my mind that I'd love to get out... but I think it is going to have to wait a bit longer.... hope my brain doesn't explode.

Counseling part 2

Weeelllll - it has been several weeks and 2 more counseling visits since I last posted. All I can say is that if you are thinking counseling might be helpful - then go and commit to going for at least a month. These last 2 visits have really opened my eyes and been totally enlightening to some of the things going on with miss Alem. In fact both times our counselor has been able to get to the heart of our struggles in just a few minutes and give me pratical tips for overcoming and moving forward. The really hard part is that she has some seriously deep control issues and it is going to be challenging to overcome them. The other thing that was hard to hear is that she really isn't able to relate to people - she simply doesn't have the skills. Now those are things she can learn, and it explains why she can't really play with other kids yet - but it was hard for her to hear that she wasn't the same as the other kids in the neighborhood - but it motivates her to change and that is good.

Hang on for what promises to be a bumpy ride - we currently have to take all control away from her... ugh, not totally sure what that is going to look like, but I know she isn't going to like it....

Counseling

Well we've had several sessions with the counselor now... and the jury is still out as far as I am concerned. To be clear we are not going for attachment therapy - we really do see many positive attachment behaviors from her and while there is a long way to go neither the counselor or I think there is too much he can do to make it happen - time and prayer are what is needed. So then why are we at counseling you might wonder - Alem has some very serious fears... she is beginning to conquer them (and no the counseling has nothing to do with that, we have been working hard) but we felt that we needed some guidance in making the best choices to help her get over her fears and begin to trust that her new family was safe. This seems to be hard for her, in part because as some point in her past she was not safe. Older child adoption comes with many unknows - and trauma history is a big unknown. We have no idea what happened in her past or how it affected her, and there is no way to ask her... not because she doesn't have the language for it - she does (well at least for some of it), but because if she isn't ready to talk about it then she isn't ready. Either we aren't "safe" yet or she is choosing not to remember. It doesn't really matter.... except that we need to help her to manage her fear and conquer it so that she isn't held back in any way. So she does play therapy - she plays and interacts with the counselor and he makes observations and suggestions to me. We are going to give it a few more weeks and see if something good shakes loose.

The thing is that if she were the way she is now when she was home a month I wouldn't even think about counseling... but at a month home we were so falling apart... we have done alot of hard work to get her here and if there is any help or suggestions someone who sees traumatized kids on a regular basis can offer then we are going to take them up on it. Mostly he says that we are doing a good job - doing all the right things to help her - and that it takes time, we are expecting too much too soon. (LOL to that as seriously if he were living with her he'd be pushing her hard to get better and move foward too.)

We are believing that God will heal her heart and in the fullness of time she will learn to trust, to love with out fear, and to rest peacefully in Him.

When he calles me momma....

my heart melts.

From the beginning Estifanos has called me mom - but just mom at first. It was simply my name - not who I am to him. Little by little you can see his heart softening towards me... at first when I'd take the time to figure out why he was upset and set things to right, then when I'd make some dish for a meal that he really likes... little by little and he'd call me momma instead of mom. Now a days it is momma more often than mom... sweet.

" I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living" Psalm 27:13

Yesterday was a tough one - some days are harder than others, but that wasn't her it was me. I was worn thin and missing my sweetie (who is traveling this week) and I had scheduled a play date for her - which was a first ... and it had it's challenges. And this week I have been reminded by my big kids that while she is doing better there is still quite a way to go and we need to not settle for better - but strive for best.

Envy

So today I was able to rejoice with a wonderful blog friend about the growing attachment with her son. She had been running the race and is on the wonderful downhill side. And while I am so very excited for her - it feels like the uphill battle we face is unending. sigh. I love Alem and am totally commited to her.. but it is so very very hard. She is difficult on her best days and horrid on her worst and often I wonder if things will ever ever change? Will she ever stop demanding all the attention be focused on her? will she ever stop trying to control my every waking moment? will she ever just relax and not worry about whether or not she has more than everyone else? will she ever stop acting like each bump is the end of the world? and on and on and on.....

I know that she has made tremendous progress she no longer keeps herself (and me) up all night. She no longer has raging fits every day, not even every week. She no longer tries to run away. She finally is eating healthy meals. She is nice to her brothers and sisters. She gets ready for school and church without a fuss.

Of course then just now she refused to come to the dinner table then flipped out because we prayed and began eating with out her - really?! I simply took her aside and said you may want to control when we all eat but it isn't going to work... we pray and eat when mom and dad sit down not when you finish playing. Ugh.

I lost my mind

I lost my mind when I thought letting Alem and Emma have a friend over for the afternoon might let me get some paperwork done.... instead we have been to the park, done crafts and painted nails. Fun for them - but my todo list is getting longer....

Exhaustion

Well I have to admit that each and every night I am beat to the ground tired. I'm not at all sure if it is just getting used to managing such a large family or still adjusting to the new kids or what but I am so ready to get some energy back. I realized that somewhere along the way of the last few months I quit eating all the veggies that I used to eat - salads especially. I think I gave them up in favor of quicker meals where I ate what they ate - but I think it might be affecting my energy level too - so this week I am back to tons of veggies and way less of what the kids are eating. That is actually going to be hard to manage with Alem who prefers to eat whatever I eat, and like most kids she isn't the biggest fan of veggies... but I imagine eventually her hunger will win out. I am also going to get more sleep each night. Sadly right now 8 hours just isn't enough - which kinda cracks me up as I used to exist on less than 6 without any problems - but I am not at my best any longer without a really good nights sleep!! And to a certian extent I have to admit that parenting the new kids is still stressful. Estifanos is just now beginning to trust us with his hurts - both real and emotional and always being on the lookout for that is hard work. And Alem continues to be challenging. She would really like to run the show. LOL. and that so isn't going to happen, although to a certian extent she has been driving things, and we are cracking down on that pretty hard. She also begins therapy this week - stay tuned for a report on that.

So if anyone has a magic energy pill they would like to share - then I might be able to get caught up with the house and the paperwork... otherwise all that is going to have to wait.

my first ....

"I love you" that is! So last night was the very first time Estifanos said I love you to me - so very sweet.

twinning

On paper it seems as if we created artifical triplets - our bio girl Emma is 8 (9 in Sept), Estifanos is 8 (9 in Aug) and Alem is 7 (8 in Aug). Currently the reality is that we created 2 sets of twins - Emma and Estifanos are very close in age - and in personality which is nice. It also works well because they are boy/girl and thus into different things so at least so far we haven't had any difficulities there.

The second set of "twins" would be Becca (who on paper is 4 - but most likely is at least 6 months older) and Alem (who on paper is 7 but emotionally is 4 or 5). This presents many challenges as it is hard to explain to Becca why Alem doesn't treat her the same way as Emma and Estifanos do. Or how to handle the envitable fights over Barbie and Polly Pocket since neither of them is really capapble of negotiation yet... I am hopefuly that Alem will emotionally mature faster than Becca and this set of twins will naturally go away...

I can understand why social workers are hesitant to allow families to artifically twin - it is hard work to make sure that no one gets lost in the shuffle.

Updates

Wow - time sure flies by!!!

Truthfully though it is alittle hard to know how much to put out there on a public blog. I keep the blog so that I will have some record of life during this crazy time... and I know that I learn so much from others both stuggles and victories. Anyway - that is why lately I have had alot of posts in my mind that never made it to the computer!

Estifanos is doing amazingly well. Poor kid has been home less than 2 months and has had the mumps and then a ton of dental work done (crowns, extractions, and cavities) and started school. All this on top of a big new family and amazingly he is cheerful, obedient and happy. Some kids are very resilent and he is one of them. His adoption has been amazingly simple in terms of adjustment. We have to be very careful to draw him out when he get quiet, because that usually means that something has happened that upset him. But he is learning to come to me when he is upset and that means the world to me. He is just all around a great kid.

Alem - well she gives us a run for our money. I was joking with another mom that I know we are the family God meant for her - in part because I know my Fathers voice and I heard it clearly about her - but also because we are experienced parents, and experienced adoptive parents with lots of tools in our parenting tool box and a really strong marriage. Because parenting her some days is not a picnic. Some nights find me sitting on the top of the stairs crying because I am not sure how in the world I am going to face another day with her drama. But then there are other times when I know that we have made so much progress. One night this month she was in trouble for something - and having a big fit about it - and I thought Oh Lord not again, I can't do this again (2 nights in a row of drama do not make for a happy mom). So I am sitting on the stairs crying and she comes out and gives me a note that says I love you but it feels like you don't love me. Well holy cow - that is huge. Huge that she was able to admit that she loved me even when she was mad (and boy was she mad) and that she could identify that she didn't think I loved her. We talked about it and she was able to see all the ways that I showed her I loved her each day - which of course is alot, she just is frustrated that she doesn't get her way. Then tonight - she was in the hot tub with some of the other kids, and yelling for me - which isn't allowed. I was ignoring her. Dad went out to tell her it was time to come in and she refused to get out. Really?? So I had to go out - and gave her another chance, actually 2 more chances and the pulled her out and deposited her inside. I'm not at all sure what she thought would happen - that we would stand there and wait for her? who knows, but she was almighty ticked off about it. Yelling and crying all the way up to her room. A few minutes later I go up to talk to her - she starts threatening not to go to school in the morn and I thought - ummm don't go there honey cause I will drop you at school in your jammies and leave. But I went through the process of naming her emotions for her - which is really important because sometimes she is so mad she doesn't know what she feels. Finally she says this isn't easy - being a family girl. Yeah no kidding I said back - it sure isn't easy to be your mom. LOL totally shocked her. It isn't easy - it doesn't mean that I don't love her - I do and I explained all that to her again. but she wants to be in control of me - and that isn't ever going to happen - which I explained, again. And then she apologized and we moved on. Now tomorrow when she doesn't get the hot tub - it will be a different fight, but oh well.

3 days left of school - the kids are all excited about it. I'm just happy the weather is warm and the sun is shining so hopefully we will be able to use the pool this summer.

sleep begets sleep

Sleep issues are always huge on the adoption radar. When we brought Becca home we struggled for many months with sleep - as in she wasn't getting enough of it and neither were we. One of the adoption groups I keep up with has had many discussions of sleep and how to get more of it for you baby and toddler. I tried those time tested techniques and lo and behold - they worked. It turns out that Miss B needs to go to bed around 630pm and then she happily sleeps until about 7am. Putting her to bed at 7pm did not have the cooresponding effect of causeing her to sleep until 730 but rather woke her earlier at 630 and then put her an hour behind for the day. Happily a few months home we had that problem worked out.

No one ever mentioned the same cause and effect for older children. HOWEVER LET ME THE FIRST TO SAY even with older children SLEEP BEGETS SLEEP. Alemtsehay has had major sleep issues from the beginning. They have gotten better since she moved into the floor of our room - but she was still awake for long periods each and every night (though finally not waking us up - just laying there fretting.... which isn't really a solution). So on Wed - after she didn't hardly sleep a wink Tues at 830 I said - that is it - time for sleep. Previously we had been allowing her to choose when to settle for sleep - bedtime was 8 (and still is) but she could look at books or play quietly with dolls until she was tired, usually around 9 or so. And then she would sleep for about 2 hours and wake up frightened or grumpy for hours each night. So Wed night time for sleep at 830 - and lo and behold she went right to sleep - slept all night and woke around 730 happily.... hmmmm. Well I'm not an idiot so again on Thurs we try again and the same result and again and again. Thank goodness she is finally sleeping without fear and sleeping well - it makes a huge difference in her and in me.

Our neighborhood

Our neighborhood is really an amazing place... It struck me tonight just how amazingly lucky we are to be living here. Our street is full of kids and families and all of them have been so amazingly suppportive and accepting of our new kids. We are the only adoptive family on the street, and the only family with sooooo many kids - but it is no big deal to anyone - and boy oh boy does it help the newbies to feel welcome.

Today I took our 5 youngest to the park down the street - and along the way picked up 6 more kids so by the time we arrived there were 11 kids on bikes racing around the park - there must be something magic about that number of kids - does it go out on some secret kid radar?? with in about 10 minutes there were 10 more kids - the perfect number of kids for games of tag and bike races and an all around good time. An hour later when I gathered the 11 I needed to take home... the whole park emptied.. kinda funny. Then tonight after dinner the kids went out to play for a few minutes and suddenly everyone is out running up and down the street playing hide and seek in everyone's yard and having a great time - much like I remember playing as a kid. And not at all like any other neighborhood we have recently lived in. It just brought such joy to my heart to see how easily Alem and Estifanos fit in.

Today

Today something amazing happened....

Alem and Estifanos were home this afternoon due to various appts. They were playing in the front yard and garage with Becca. They both wanted to play with the same ball - and Estifanos got it first... Alem was being quite difficult with him about it. I was just watching to see what would happen - now as you might imagine often the kids give in to her just to get some peace - eventhough I encourage them not to... so after a few moments of "discussion" Estifanos looks at me and says "Mom, my turn". And it was - but the really cool part is that he trusted I would intervene on his behalf. The other cool part is that I was able to take Alem to the side and talk to her about her behavior and how she was being mean to Estifanos... she agreed and said she'd try to be nicer - which is huge - both her agreeing to be nicer and admiting that she was being mean, and there was no fit involved - not even a scream or tear.... progress.

Attachment

Attachment is a process - a life long process. With bio kids it usually flows pretty naturally a tiny baby cries and mom and dad jump to meet the need expressed - the baby learns to trust that it is loved and cared for and attaches to mom and dad.

When you adopt older children the dance of attachment is very different. No bottles, no diapers, no rocking to sleep.... so the question becomes how do you know that they are attaching? that you are attaching? (cause both are important).

I don't know what it looks like for everyone - but for us we know that she is attaching because she leaves us notes about how much she loves us and thanks us for giving her a family (oh boy she is so older than 7), her hugs have lost the desperate quality and have become gentle snuggles (for the most part), she is beginning to care what is happening with her sisters and even steps aside when the littlest one needs something - trusting that her need will be met after the 3 year old, he melts more into hugs - it isn't like hugging a stick figure (though we do need to get some meat on his bones quick), he looks for ways to help mom - opening and holding the door, carrying in the groceries grinning the whole time, and finally feeling like he doesn't have to eat something he doesn't like - trusting that we will provide something else, that he won't have to go hungry.

Each day we dance closer to them - sometimes it is an easy waltz, sometimes a complicted tango - but each day a dance.

How do I know I am attaching to them? Simple things mostly - thinking of them brings a smile to my face, when I'm shopping for groceries I look for things I know they will like and be happy to have in the house, bed time isn't wiping me out any more (and seriously that is a biggie - at first I dreaded bed time it was so intense so exhausting so overwhelming that I wanted to go to bed myself rather than cope with it) when they wake early and come down during my alone time I am able to just grin and start the day rather than have my whole day ruined.

And so we dance - sometimes stepping on toes, sometimes closer, sometimes farther apart - but the dance looks better each and every day, and honestly if feels more natural each and every day.

Hope

I almost hesitate to put this into print .... but we have had some amazing breakthroughs lately.

Estifanos continues to settle in and do well - his ESL evaluation - his reading ability almost disqualified him from services. LOL what a riot. The boy can read like you would not believe, but the understanding isn't there yet - happily they realized that on thier own. He has tremendous phonics skills and can read anything in front of him but doesn't alway understand it. However - once his understanding kicks in I think he may need to jump up a grade. He can do all the math that the second grade is doing without any struggle whatso ever.... really kind of surprising.

Alemtsehay - has been really settled this last week+ She has been sleeping on the floor in our room - which I wish we had done from the beginning. We didn't because she seemed so happy to sleep in a room with her sister... but it wasn't helping her to be more secure. Once we told her she would have to sleep with us until she was ready to sleep all night in her own bed - well we thought she'd flip, but instead she was totally excited about it. Now tonight she announced she'd sleep in her own room again - we'll see. She is taking her meds without a fight - I told her she needed to take them to stay healthy and grow up to be a teacher (the current career of choice) and so now she does. Of course it helps that Estifanos and Daddy take meds every morning too. And really big deal I was able to go out shopping on Sat with out her having a total and complete meltdown at being left at home with Dad and the rest of the kids. As soon as I told her I was going out she wanted to come and when I told her no - it was apparent that her stress level was ramping up. And it doesn't go up slowly it goes from 1 to meltdown in 10 seconds flat - but we were able to stop it simply by getting down to her level and saying Mommy always comes back and Daddy will do a good job of taking care of you until I do. (and making her repeat it) Then on sunday we were able to go to Walmart - the kids needed new bikes - so yes she was getting something, but even when she has gotten something before the store has provoked meltdowns, but she did amazing this time. And at the Drs on Thursday she was able to pick from the prize box - and she choose a "magic wand" like in Cinderella - and the first thing she thought of was the Becca would want one too (not something she could get 2 of), so she instead gave Becca a pink one that she already had at home... amazing. And Daddy had to travel this week - and while she was not happy about it she didn't fall apart and isn't punishing me for it either. The best thing about all this progress is that it has been a gift in stress reduction for me. I am not so foolish to think that everything is solved - because it isn't... but we are moving foward. There will be times of moving backward too - but today I will take the gift I have been given, a glimpse of what healing looks like for this precious child - what hope and a future are. Praise God.