Attachment

Attachment is a process - a life long process. With bio kids it usually flows pretty naturally a tiny baby cries and mom and dad jump to meet the need expressed - the baby learns to trust that it is loved and cared for and attaches to mom and dad.

When you adopt older children the dance of attachment is very different. No bottles, no diapers, no rocking to sleep.... so the question becomes how do you know that they are attaching? that you are attaching? (cause both are important).

I don't know what it looks like for everyone - but for us we know that she is attaching because she leaves us notes about how much she loves us and thanks us for giving her a family (oh boy she is so older than 7), her hugs have lost the desperate quality and have become gentle snuggles (for the most part), she is beginning to care what is happening with her sisters and even steps aside when the littlest one needs something - trusting that her need will be met after the 3 year old, he melts more into hugs - it isn't like hugging a stick figure (though we do need to get some meat on his bones quick), he looks for ways to help mom - opening and holding the door, carrying in the groceries grinning the whole time, and finally feeling like he doesn't have to eat something he doesn't like - trusting that we will provide something else, that he won't have to go hungry.

Each day we dance closer to them - sometimes it is an easy waltz, sometimes a complicted tango - but each day a dance.

How do I know I am attaching to them? Simple things mostly - thinking of them brings a smile to my face, when I'm shopping for groceries I look for things I know they will like and be happy to have in the house, bed time isn't wiping me out any more (and seriously that is a biggie - at first I dreaded bed time it was so intense so exhausting so overwhelming that I wanted to go to bed myself rather than cope with it) when they wake early and come down during my alone time I am able to just grin and start the day rather than have my whole day ruined.

And so we dance - sometimes stepping on toes, sometimes closer, sometimes farther apart - but the dance looks better each and every day, and honestly if feels more natural each and every day.