Funny thing - all of our ET kids have ages that are off by at least a year - maybe even two. When we got Becca's referral she was sooo tiny - reportedly 2 years old and 15 lbs (scary). But the reality is that she is at least a year if not 18 months older than that. So while her birth certificate has her turning 4 in just a little bit I am really sure she is turning 5 - and is still very tiny, even for a 4 year old. How do we know - well there are so many developmental tasks that she has totally mastered - that she shouldn't even have begun yet - for example she has taught herself to tie a bow. By itself really no big deal - but she is also beginning to read and is easily the smartest kid in her preschool class - this for a child who never heard english or saw a book until 18 months ago. Even when first home and we had her developmentally tested she scored right at her age, and advanced in some areas.... really amazing for a malnourished toddler. Does it matter? not to us of course we love her regardless - it is just something that we will have to remember when the teen age drama stuff flares up early! LOL!
Estifanos is a different story - he really seems to think he is 8 - Ethiopians really don't keep track of age the way we do in the west so that isn't surprising. But upon meeting with his uncle and recounting a timeline of events all the adults were in agreement that he is about 10 years old. Gulp, it isn't that we didn't know it was a possiblility - we sure did, but a number of folks who had met him over the years and spent time with him felt like 8 was really quite close to correct for him and maybe even a bit younger - i think because there is really something very gentle about him. Right now he is barely the size of an American 6/7 year old - once he hits a grown spurt I imagine he will shoot up - but since ETiopians tend to be smaller he will probably fit right in with his peers until they outdistance him. Again we will just have to keep it in mind when the teen years strike - but he really seems to think he is 8 so no real problem.
Alemtsehay is a way different story. Reportedly she is 7 - when we were considering her file another mom emailed me and said no way is she 6 (what she was at the time) maybe more like 8. Well I am pretty sure she is at least 9 if not 10 and I am very sure she has been told to lie about it.Now her everyday behavior is much closer to 5 years old... but eventually she will catch up and settle in and then big dilema for her will she be able to trust us with the truth... and how hard it is for a child to be told to lie. I have no way of knowing who told her to lie - the aunt, the social worker or the nuns.... I suppose when she is ready to tell us then we will find out.
But my frustration with a system that doesn't seek the truth and is content to believe the lie ... well it is hard to handle - hard to even know what to do about it. We didn't adopt looking for healthy babies - we wanted to provide a home a family for kids who really needed one, and we are blessed by all of our kids - it is just that in the long run it would be better for them if they knew the truth - if they could really own the details of thier lives instead of us having to guess about them.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
ages and adoption
Posted by Bonnie at 8:35 PM
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
ah, yes. the age question. I think the lie is because "they" (parents, orphanage care givers, etc) think that "older" children wont get adopted if their true age is given. Which is sad, because to a degree, it's true.
Also though, they dont celebrate birthdays in Ethiopia like we do here, and there are rarely any birth records. We have no idea when our 16 year olds birthday really is, or if she is even 16! We are just going with what we were given. someone made her birthday up to be january 7th, because of that date being special in Ethiopia (Christmas celebration).
This has been a VERY frustrating truth for us.
Over the course of the 9 months that it took to complete our adoption, our children's ages were changed at least 3 times. When we brought them home, the birth certificates said they were 6, 9, 11.
The orphanage director actually ended up telling me that they had changed the ages to "make them fit in better in America" ... because "they are small and behind academically". When we picked up our children at the orphanage, we were handed some paperwork that showed that our almost 12 year old was actually almost 15 or 16. BIG difference. While he was short, it was obvious by his muscle definition that he couldn't possibly be 11. No way.
After the children had been home about 6 months, they began to tell us stories.
When Rachel was in school at the orphanage (and believed herself to be 6 years old) the teacher was upset that she didn't understand a concept. The teacher finally said, "You can't be 6 if you don't know how to do that. You are 6 now."
Jacob says that he was 12 when he went to the orphanage, but that he was told he was "too short" to be 12. They actually made him 8 at the time ... but then a middle sister was brought to the orphanage, so they made him 10. Obviously, it was kind of a game that they played ... "How young can we make this child, so that he/she is more adoptable?"
Anyway ... the impact on the chid can be HUGE ...
When our CRISIS hit last summer, the experiences that we discovered Jacob had had definitely fit more with a 16 or 17 year old than a 13 year old. We would NOT have adopted a 16 year old boy and brought him into our home with our 5 younger children.
We also had a "9 year old" that needed a bra, and then started her period at a very young age.
Our 9 year old went to the dentist. What a surprise! She already had her "12 year molars". The Dentist said she had to at least be 12.
The other thing ... 9 year old was actually quite smart. Come to find out she went to K & 1st grade in the village ... 1st & 2nd grade in the city ... and 1st & 2nd grade at the orphanage. Oh yea ... she had 1st and 2nd grade "down". :)
Yes ... my kids are small. They were malnourished for many years. The older 2 will always be small. The younger one has grown more, because we were able to give her good nutrition at a younger age.
Yes ... my kids are academically behind.
Yes ... my kids are socially and emotionally behind.
But ... does that really justify changing their ages??? I don't believe so.
We had to explain to our adopted children that we have some bio. kids who are taller than others ... some bio. kids who do better with academics than others ... some bio. kids who are "behind". But ... we have never changed the ages of the bio. kids so that they will "fit" into some type of "normal". No. We have loved and accepted them right where they are at.
Sorry for such a long post. Definitely has been a huge frustration in our lives.
Laurel
Post a Comment