twinning

On paper it seems as if we created artifical triplets - our bio girl Emma is 8 (9 in Sept), Estifanos is 8 (9 in Aug) and Alem is 7 (8 in Aug). Currently the reality is that we created 2 sets of twins - Emma and Estifanos are very close in age - and in personality which is nice. It also works well because they are boy/girl and thus into different things so at least so far we haven't had any difficulities there.

The second set of "twins" would be Becca (who on paper is 4 - but most likely is at least 6 months older) and Alem (who on paper is 7 but emotionally is 4 or 5). This presents many challenges as it is hard to explain to Becca why Alem doesn't treat her the same way as Emma and Estifanos do. Or how to handle the envitable fights over Barbie and Polly Pocket since neither of them is really capapble of negotiation yet... I am hopefuly that Alem will emotionally mature faster than Becca and this set of twins will naturally go away...

I can understand why social workers are hesitant to allow families to artifically twin - it is hard work to make sure that no one gets lost in the shuffle.

Updates

Wow - time sure flies by!!!

Truthfully though it is alittle hard to know how much to put out there on a public blog. I keep the blog so that I will have some record of life during this crazy time... and I know that I learn so much from others both stuggles and victories. Anyway - that is why lately I have had alot of posts in my mind that never made it to the computer!

Estifanos is doing amazingly well. Poor kid has been home less than 2 months and has had the mumps and then a ton of dental work done (crowns, extractions, and cavities) and started school. All this on top of a big new family and amazingly he is cheerful, obedient and happy. Some kids are very resilent and he is one of them. His adoption has been amazingly simple in terms of adjustment. We have to be very careful to draw him out when he get quiet, because that usually means that something has happened that upset him. But he is learning to come to me when he is upset and that means the world to me. He is just all around a great kid.

Alem - well she gives us a run for our money. I was joking with another mom that I know we are the family God meant for her - in part because I know my Fathers voice and I heard it clearly about her - but also because we are experienced parents, and experienced adoptive parents with lots of tools in our parenting tool box and a really strong marriage. Because parenting her some days is not a picnic. Some nights find me sitting on the top of the stairs crying because I am not sure how in the world I am going to face another day with her drama. But then there are other times when I know that we have made so much progress. One night this month she was in trouble for something - and having a big fit about it - and I thought Oh Lord not again, I can't do this again (2 nights in a row of drama do not make for a happy mom). So I am sitting on the stairs crying and she comes out and gives me a note that says I love you but it feels like you don't love me. Well holy cow - that is huge. Huge that she was able to admit that she loved me even when she was mad (and boy was she mad) and that she could identify that she didn't think I loved her. We talked about it and she was able to see all the ways that I showed her I loved her each day - which of course is alot, she just is frustrated that she doesn't get her way. Then tonight - she was in the hot tub with some of the other kids, and yelling for me - which isn't allowed. I was ignoring her. Dad went out to tell her it was time to come in and she refused to get out. Really?? So I had to go out - and gave her another chance, actually 2 more chances and the pulled her out and deposited her inside. I'm not at all sure what she thought would happen - that we would stand there and wait for her? who knows, but she was almighty ticked off about it. Yelling and crying all the way up to her room. A few minutes later I go up to talk to her - she starts threatening not to go to school in the morn and I thought - ummm don't go there honey cause I will drop you at school in your jammies and leave. But I went through the process of naming her emotions for her - which is really important because sometimes she is so mad she doesn't know what she feels. Finally she says this isn't easy - being a family girl. Yeah no kidding I said back - it sure isn't easy to be your mom. LOL totally shocked her. It isn't easy - it doesn't mean that I don't love her - I do and I explained all that to her again. but she wants to be in control of me - and that isn't ever going to happen - which I explained, again. And then she apologized and we moved on. Now tomorrow when she doesn't get the hot tub - it will be a different fight, but oh well.

3 days left of school - the kids are all excited about it. I'm just happy the weather is warm and the sun is shining so hopefully we will be able to use the pool this summer.

sleep begets sleep

Sleep issues are always huge on the adoption radar. When we brought Becca home we struggled for many months with sleep - as in she wasn't getting enough of it and neither were we. One of the adoption groups I keep up with has had many discussions of sleep and how to get more of it for you baby and toddler. I tried those time tested techniques and lo and behold - they worked. It turns out that Miss B needs to go to bed around 630pm and then she happily sleeps until about 7am. Putting her to bed at 7pm did not have the cooresponding effect of causeing her to sleep until 730 but rather woke her earlier at 630 and then put her an hour behind for the day. Happily a few months home we had that problem worked out.

No one ever mentioned the same cause and effect for older children. HOWEVER LET ME THE FIRST TO SAY even with older children SLEEP BEGETS SLEEP. Alemtsehay has had major sleep issues from the beginning. They have gotten better since she moved into the floor of our room - but she was still awake for long periods each and every night (though finally not waking us up - just laying there fretting.... which isn't really a solution). So on Wed - after she didn't hardly sleep a wink Tues at 830 I said - that is it - time for sleep. Previously we had been allowing her to choose when to settle for sleep - bedtime was 8 (and still is) but she could look at books or play quietly with dolls until she was tired, usually around 9 or so. And then she would sleep for about 2 hours and wake up frightened or grumpy for hours each night. So Wed night time for sleep at 830 - and lo and behold she went right to sleep - slept all night and woke around 730 happily.... hmmmm. Well I'm not an idiot so again on Thurs we try again and the same result and again and again. Thank goodness she is finally sleeping without fear and sleeping well - it makes a huge difference in her and in me.

Our neighborhood

Our neighborhood is really an amazing place... It struck me tonight just how amazingly lucky we are to be living here. Our street is full of kids and families and all of them have been so amazingly suppportive and accepting of our new kids. We are the only adoptive family on the street, and the only family with sooooo many kids - but it is no big deal to anyone - and boy oh boy does it help the newbies to feel welcome.

Today I took our 5 youngest to the park down the street - and along the way picked up 6 more kids so by the time we arrived there were 11 kids on bikes racing around the park - there must be something magic about that number of kids - does it go out on some secret kid radar?? with in about 10 minutes there were 10 more kids - the perfect number of kids for games of tag and bike races and an all around good time. An hour later when I gathered the 11 I needed to take home... the whole park emptied.. kinda funny. Then tonight after dinner the kids went out to play for a few minutes and suddenly everyone is out running up and down the street playing hide and seek in everyone's yard and having a great time - much like I remember playing as a kid. And not at all like any other neighborhood we have recently lived in. It just brought such joy to my heart to see how easily Alem and Estifanos fit in.

Today

Today something amazing happened....

Alem and Estifanos were home this afternoon due to various appts. They were playing in the front yard and garage with Becca. They both wanted to play with the same ball - and Estifanos got it first... Alem was being quite difficult with him about it. I was just watching to see what would happen - now as you might imagine often the kids give in to her just to get some peace - eventhough I encourage them not to... so after a few moments of "discussion" Estifanos looks at me and says "Mom, my turn". And it was - but the really cool part is that he trusted I would intervene on his behalf. The other cool part is that I was able to take Alem to the side and talk to her about her behavior and how she was being mean to Estifanos... she agreed and said she'd try to be nicer - which is huge - both her agreeing to be nicer and admiting that she was being mean, and there was no fit involved - not even a scream or tear.... progress.

Attachment

Attachment is a process - a life long process. With bio kids it usually flows pretty naturally a tiny baby cries and mom and dad jump to meet the need expressed - the baby learns to trust that it is loved and cared for and attaches to mom and dad.

When you adopt older children the dance of attachment is very different. No bottles, no diapers, no rocking to sleep.... so the question becomes how do you know that they are attaching? that you are attaching? (cause both are important).

I don't know what it looks like for everyone - but for us we know that she is attaching because she leaves us notes about how much she loves us and thanks us for giving her a family (oh boy she is so older than 7), her hugs have lost the desperate quality and have become gentle snuggles (for the most part), she is beginning to care what is happening with her sisters and even steps aside when the littlest one needs something - trusting that her need will be met after the 3 year old, he melts more into hugs - it isn't like hugging a stick figure (though we do need to get some meat on his bones quick), he looks for ways to help mom - opening and holding the door, carrying in the groceries grinning the whole time, and finally feeling like he doesn't have to eat something he doesn't like - trusting that we will provide something else, that he won't have to go hungry.

Each day we dance closer to them - sometimes it is an easy waltz, sometimes a complicted tango - but each day a dance.

How do I know I am attaching to them? Simple things mostly - thinking of them brings a smile to my face, when I'm shopping for groceries I look for things I know they will like and be happy to have in the house, bed time isn't wiping me out any more (and seriously that is a biggie - at first I dreaded bed time it was so intense so exhausting so overwhelming that I wanted to go to bed myself rather than cope with it) when they wake early and come down during my alone time I am able to just grin and start the day rather than have my whole day ruined.

And so we dance - sometimes stepping on toes, sometimes closer, sometimes farther apart - but the dance looks better each and every day, and honestly if feels more natural each and every day.

Hope

I almost hesitate to put this into print .... but we have had some amazing breakthroughs lately.

Estifanos continues to settle in and do well - his ESL evaluation - his reading ability almost disqualified him from services. LOL what a riot. The boy can read like you would not believe, but the understanding isn't there yet - happily they realized that on thier own. He has tremendous phonics skills and can read anything in front of him but doesn't alway understand it. However - once his understanding kicks in I think he may need to jump up a grade. He can do all the math that the second grade is doing without any struggle whatso ever.... really kind of surprising.

Alemtsehay - has been really settled this last week+ She has been sleeping on the floor in our room - which I wish we had done from the beginning. We didn't because she seemed so happy to sleep in a room with her sister... but it wasn't helping her to be more secure. Once we told her she would have to sleep with us until she was ready to sleep all night in her own bed - well we thought she'd flip, but instead she was totally excited about it. Now tonight she announced she'd sleep in her own room again - we'll see. She is taking her meds without a fight - I told her she needed to take them to stay healthy and grow up to be a teacher (the current career of choice) and so now she does. Of course it helps that Estifanos and Daddy take meds every morning too. And really big deal I was able to go out shopping on Sat with out her having a total and complete meltdown at being left at home with Dad and the rest of the kids. As soon as I told her I was going out she wanted to come and when I told her no - it was apparent that her stress level was ramping up. And it doesn't go up slowly it goes from 1 to meltdown in 10 seconds flat - but we were able to stop it simply by getting down to her level and saying Mommy always comes back and Daddy will do a good job of taking care of you until I do. (and making her repeat it) Then on sunday we were able to go to Walmart - the kids needed new bikes - so yes she was getting something, but even when she has gotten something before the store has provoked meltdowns, but she did amazing this time. And at the Drs on Thursday she was able to pick from the prize box - and she choose a "magic wand" like in Cinderella - and the first thing she thought of was the Becca would want one too (not something she could get 2 of), so she instead gave Becca a pink one that she already had at home... amazing. And Daddy had to travel this week - and while she was not happy about it she didn't fall apart and isn't punishing me for it either. The best thing about all this progress is that it has been a gift in stress reduction for me. I am not so foolish to think that everything is solved - because it isn't... but we are moving foward. There will be times of moving backward too - but today I will take the gift I have been given, a glimpse of what healing looks like for this precious child - what hope and a future are. Praise God.